This is Goodnight and Not Goodbye

Two of my sorority sisters in my pledge class will be leaving after this semester for internships. Jenny will be close, just in Birmingham. I'm sure she will be in Tuscaloosa a lot and so... I'm just not even prepared to consider her not being around.

But Katie??? She will be hundreds of miles away in Philadelphia. A few days ago, the girls I pledged Theta with put aside the little bit of drama, the stress, and a night of studying for finals to be with each other! We talked, laughed and made plans. And at the end of the night, Katie spoke...

And I'm going to miss this girl. We're different in a lot of ways, but what happened 3 and 1/2 years ago make those differences completely irrelevant. During recruitment {on Preference Night} we sat right next to each other at the Kappa Alpha Theta house. I remember thinking to myself, as I watched tears fall down her cheek during the video: 

"If this is the kind of girl that's going to be in this house, this is the sorority I want to be a part of..." And it was! And she is.

Katie is steadfast.

 

Katie is loyal and hardworking.

She is thoughtful. 

And she writes me notes like this: 



And for Christmas, she bought me a book {Random Acts of Kindness} to remind me of: "the pure goodness in this world... you can read the stories of these strangers and be moved," she wrote.

Katie, I know we're not leaving Tuscaloosa for a few more days. And I know I will see you again in April/May. And I know I will see you A LOT after that! But you must know, now... thank you for ALWAYS being there! Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder. And sit on your bed. Thank you for all of the laughs, walks, dinners, shopping trips and long conversations. Thank you for being consistent, always. Thank you for understanding me. You know my heart. You know that your letters mean the world to me! Thank you for coming to me, too. Thank you for reaching out to me. You practice faith, hope and love. You are one of the many reasons I LOVE THIS HOUSE SO SO SO MUCH! I would "buy" these SISTERS all over again! And if I thought I could make you stay, I would. But I know differently. I know you have BIG plans! You will go and do what it is that you love! Go. Be. Do!

Fleeting

Today {well, tonight} I have been reminded that time is fleeting. It comes and it goes. It's like the Farris Bueller quote: "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it!" Tonight, the campus ministry I have been involved with since my freshmen year had our Annual {Tacky} Christmas Party and Dirty Santa gift exchange. Two things specifically reminded me of how quickly time passes. The family {Mrs. Shelley}, whose home hosted our party, reminded me that we have known each other for FOUR years. Wow. It seems I was a freshmen yesterday. It's a long road, but the time has come and continues to pass. Also, talking with my friend Meagan I realized another reminder of how fleeting this time of my life is becoming...  We remembered the first Christmas Party we attended our freshmen year. And now, tonight was our last. Sooo fleeting it's not even funny! But I have a really great life! This place... Tuscaloosa... it's changed me. It's stretched me. It's been a BLAST. It now holds such a special place in my heart! The beginning of this school year, I found myself saying this is my last collegiate fall sorority recruitment. This is the last time I will spend two weeks of sisterhood week {recruitment practice} with my pledge class. This is my last, first day of undergraduate school. This is the last place I will live as a college student. And that seems like YESTERDAY. Tonight, I'm reminded that this semester is coming to a close. Life's happened over the last few months! I'd forgotten about all these "lasts" until tonight. I mean... I've watched my friends [KATIE and BETHANY] talk about these same things. But it never hit me. I've wanted to live in the moment!! Right now! And I am still. I think it's okay for me to take a step back. It's good that I'm noticing these lasts, as long as I don't let them get me down! Noticing the lasts makes me take Farris Bueller's advice about taking a look around before I miss THIS! My family friend, Mrs. Lynn, was right four years ago when she told me there was so much more to this University... and this college experience... than what's in between the front and back of a textbook! I believed she was right then. I KNOW she was right, now! Fleeting, I tell you!



This past Friday marked another end of an era. My last FOOTBALL SEASON of my college career here at the Capstone! ROLL TIDE! Auburn beat us by ONE point! And that's all I'm going to say about that. It was a bittersweet memory. Such is this life : ) We know my blog lacks in the picture department. I LOVE photography. But you would never know, because I don't take enough pictures! Here's some I stole from Facebook from football seasons over the last four years:


 

"My friend, let's not think of tomorrow, but let's enjoy this fleeting moment of life." -- Omar Khayyam

It's Compromise That Moves Us Along

I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now because you wouldn't be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the far future, you will gradually-- without even noticing it-- live your way to the answer.


Ranier Maria Rilke

Note to Self:

You're not responsible for EVERYTHING you think you are-- grasp the concept ALREADY. There should be no doubt in your mind that it's normal to fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, after losing the dating relationship with the person with whom all those plans you made. Remember, God's got better ones! It's okay to forgive yourself! It would actually benefit you a lot, but let's be real...YOU'RE STUBBORN. You should never apologize for your stubbornness, never! No matter how hard it is, self, you've got to realize that the one girl you wish would reach out to you, she's probably not going to though. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her! Grasp that, too! And self, you're going to be okay. REALLY! See how far you've come? See how you can pick yourself up off the floor now? See, self, if you let it... time can heal wounds! See how your relationship with God is growing? And self, it's okay if there's so much school work going on that you can't breathe. That's normal, sorta. But seriously, breathe!  And you know that feeling? The one that makes you think all the plans you have made the past five years are materialistic, stupid, unattainable now? Well, the majority of them, are exactly what you still want! While they may sound materialistic, they're not, really. You just want an amazing husband. And children. And a boat to spend the weekends on the water with the family you have and created. That's not materialistic. Those are your most precious desires. And I, self, would like to think God cares enough. I know He does. Because He also knows... that even though I have not proved it, yet, I believe wholeheartedly I have what it takes to face how much blood, sweat, tears, arguments, LOVE, happiness,  commitment, sacrifices, hope, assurance of God, patience, hard work, discipline, and Faith to get there. That's not stupid. And, self, while you're probably going to rationalize the HELL out of this...  you really should do something fun, exciting and even thrilling after college, and yes with a paycheck too! YOU should travel because you know that's all you've ever wanted to do! So self, stop talking and actually DO something about it. Work up the courage. Self, May 7th 2011 is a lot closer than you think. It's also far enough away, so don't lose your cool... just yet! If I could tell you ONE thing it would be, it's all okay. Stop worrying about the future, the past. Let go! Let go of the things that tie you down. Let go of tying yourself down. Stop! Remember, life's a process and every time you think it's the greatest thing, there's going to be something else. And when you think it's the worst, there's something good... there's always good! Surround yourself with friends, good ones. Work hard, tirelessly until you've finished that paper, project, test, or hurdle. And, self, when you don't meet up to your expectations, because you won't! And when others don't live up to your expectations, because they won't... remember, there's GRACE... in everything!

On rollet coasters, tunnels, romantic comedies and life...

I have not written in a while. My life has turned upside down. I’ve felt a gamut of emotions. I have been on the craziest roller coaster ride, some may call it life. And for the sake of procrastination, I find myself here…. writing. You know, life is really complicated. Relationships and roles in life are complicated. We try to simplify them. I try to simplify them. We want the answers, the careers, the futures, the experiences we fabricate in our minds. Sometimes we create what is not there, only to discover once the cloud becomes less dense that God has far more planned than we can see through our tunnel vision. And we ALL have tunnel vision. I have tunnel vision. Wow. Deep, huh? I have come to realize that love is…. it’s actually the least complicated of all life’s mysteries. But defining that love– the way you love, the type of love, how to love. Well, that’s where I struggle. And I am becoming okay with that. Everyone I speak to says it’s perfectly normal to be completely confused with my life right now. I’m on target… bull’s eye. And as much as I dislike it, despise it, attempt to fight it, or ignore it. I am failing. Not in an ‘I-suck-at-life’  or depressed kind of failing, but in a God’s got a plan for you bigger than that tunnel vision you’re looking through—kind of failing. And I’m naive to think anything less than His perfect plan. And that’s okay, because so… is… everyone… else. One of the most amazing aspects of my Faith– my whole life– has been the assurance that God has predestined my life. That He knows me so intimately that He knows my every thought and His intention for me is to live striving toward His image. It’s quite amusing to me that’s the idea I’m struggling with right now. His plan. He has had one all along and He will have one still. And I KNOW this, and so I laugh at myself.


Because really, I want my life to be simple. Not messy. Not trying. Not complicated. I don’t want the tough things to exist: Like sin. Or hurt. Or homelessness. Or break-ups. Or cancer. Or failure. Or unanswered questions. Or mistakes. Or divorce. Or regret. Or What If’s. I’ve got it all wrong. I know it. I’m aware. But I am learning, still.


Now more than ever, I see God’s reasoning for emotions. I find myself happy, sad, hurt, healing, strong, weak, joyful, fearful, angry, anticipating, optimistic, stubborn, envious, jealous, agitated, excited, empathetic, and I am sure far more emotions than I am able to recognize and articulate. Truly, I am appreciating the lows for what I am learning from them. And the glimpses of joy and excitement, and the rush of the unknown make me feel most fortunate for the times when I’m down. I am learning to recognize and compartmentalize my feelings, and God’s reasoning for all the really difficult things bring me to the realization that Charles Swindoll (whoever he is) phrased it most clearly: “I cannot find either in scripture or in history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until he allowed them to be hurt deeply.”  I haven’t checked all of scripture or history to verify this, but from my own experiences I believe it to be true. Through the emotions and struggles of life, I see the glimpses of beauty in the people I love (no matter how it is that I love them), the beauty of the unknown, the beauty of friendships and laughter and forgiveness, the beauty of lessons learned and lessons left to discover; the beauty of other’s joy and His faithfulness. And the happy endings seem to become less and less important—even if I should really discontinue watching romantic comedies altogether. The journey becomes the most significant, and so, if it takes turning my life upside down and being tossed and thrown on the roller coaster I call life to find exactly where He wants me to be and who He wants me to become, it’s worth it. I think.

Dear Time: Please, stop! Thanks, Leigh

“So scared of getting older I’m only good at being young. So I play the numbers game, to find a way to say that life has just begun”

Decisions...

Life is FULL of them. Some of those decisions you wouldn’t take back for anything. Others, you would. Some decisions are easy. Others are hard. Lately, I have seen the consequences of many of my decisions. I have made decisions that I felt were best. Still do! Yet, when I see them effect other people. Now, that’s the part that gets me. It’s tough. The right decisions are SO TOUGH, sometimes even more so than making the wrong ones. When you make the wrong ones, it’s easier to admit. When you make the right ones, someone usually is usually hurt. All I can say is, “Okay. I’m sorry, but I’m not.” At the end of the day, they are decisions and they work out for the best.

Here I am, and today starts a new day. I’m going to think before I act. I’m going to use logic first and that heart that’s on my darn sleeve after that. I want to do a lot for people. I want a lot for myself. It’s going to happen. I have SO much potential. I see it. Other’s around me see it. I’m going to reach it, to the best of my ability. It just takes some confidence and decisions. And I think it’s going to be one that I know is RIGHT!
I want to be good at what I do. I want to do a lot for others. I want a lot for myself. I want to be confident in my abilities. I want so much, and I (no one else) can make the decision. Decision made!

Friendship

It’s been a good week. Things went wrong, other things went great. I had a lot of school work this week; however, I used my time wisely and I have accomplished far more than I expected. First, I am trying to stay focused on discipline, lately. There was no defining moment. I just knew that’s what my goals were for this school year, and I am working HARD because I feel like God has put these things on my heart. So far, it’s working and I am proud. I am also adamant that I am going to do what I say I am going to do. God is so, so good! Secondly, I’ve been thinking about friedships a lot lately. The one’s I have, the friends I have lost touch with, and the friends that are struggling and REALLY need unfailing, unconditional friendships. Because I know that I need those same things too.
One of my sorority sisters put up a Facebook status that read this,

"Come and relax now, put your troubles down no need to bear the weight your worries let them fall away."

THAT’S FRIENDSHIP.

Reflections

I want my blog to always be a reflection of who I am, what I’m about, and what I do and do not want to be. I want to be honest to myself and to the ZERO that read this blog : )I’ve though alot about my actions lately. Here are my do’s and don’ts:

• I dont want to be an overall “unhappy” person.
• I dont want to yell at people I am NOT angry toward.
• I dont want to slam cabinets and doors to show my anger, but communicate it.
• I dont want to make anyone fell that growing up is easy. It is not.
• I dont want to judge. I try my hardest not to.
• I dont want to view the glass half-empty. Ever.
• I dont want to hold grudges.
• I dont want to say things out of anger. I want to hold my tounge, but speak my mind.
• I dont want to rely on worldy things and aspirations.
• I dont want to regret.
• I dont want to yell in anger. But Im guilty of this, often.
• I dont want to make those around me feel guilty. I want to be kind and loving and most of all, supportive.

I dont want to have a temper, but I do. It takes work and self-control to supress a fiery temper. Thankfully, God is always changing to become the person that I DO really, really, really want to be as long as I let Him.

Today and 365 Days Ago

I was riding down the road drinking a Coke today becauseI had a headache, and it was HOT and HUMID, AGAIN! I thought to myself, “Some pound cake would be really good with this coke, right now!!’ Something clicked. I quickly and without thinking, picked up the phone and looked at the date. Today is June 18, 2009.

Three hundred and sixty-five days ago, I didn’t want a Coke or a piece of Pound Cake!! ALL I wanted was another day… that is, with my Grandmother. It’s hard to believe that a year has flown by. It’s hard to think about today– one year ago. The pain NEVER goes away. It just subsides, until, the little things remind you of what you’re missing with the ones you love who are in Heaven. Then, your experiences tell you it’s okay, because she’s better there than here. At least that’s what people say, anyway.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I began to cry. I couldn’t stop. I picked up the phone to call the only person that I knew would understand.. my Mama. She didn’t answer. Maybe she won’t notice today, until it passes her by. Today (for the rest of it anyway) I’m going to think of my Grandmother, happily. No more tears. I don’t want to mull over the goodbyes. I don’t need that, or want that, or believe that those tears will bring me any more comfort. I sure could use some Pound Cake though! She did make the best! I have more GOOD memories with her and pound cake and Coke… than all the BAD memories of the few days we had left :)