Good News!

I have not left the seat I'm {currently} sitting in except to get something to drink, eat and print out my Media Law notes all day long. Okay, so maybe I watched Criminal Minds and {pretended to study Media Law} earlier tonight. But HEY! I needed a break!

An hour ago, I believed the paper I was writing would be the death of me, but I just finished!

One word: Relief!

I admit it! I've already started making plans for to keep myself REALLY busy cooking, making crafts, spending quality time with my parents, putting together a NEW blog design and searching for jobs... or a one-way airplane ticket overseas. It's still up in the air! Let's be real, I will probably never move half way across the world to work for a year. I'm much too practical. But it is a fun thought, right?!

I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep, the haze of finals, or the excitement of Christmas break; however, over the last two days I am finding some clarity that comes and goes. Hopefully it's here to stay. Earlier tonight I wrote a prayer to God and thought I would share. It's refreshing and comforting to THANK God, when I could easily believe He has left my side.

God:

Thank you for this motivation. Thank you for Your Grace, and I even thank you for this awful heartbreak. Thank you for helping me through this rocky semester! Thank you for the strength that is NOT my own. I'm not sure of what you're doing. I don't have a clue!

But here I am... empty handed.... thanking you for giving me everything I NEED!

I'm trusting you. My faith is in YOU! Amen.

Also, I have to share what I'm REALLY excited about baking for the Christmas Holidays!

 

Red Velvet Peppermint Cake

{from Southern Living}

My grandmother {or G'ma} made a Red Velvet cake every year for my dad as his Christmas present, since I can remember. So I've decided that it's my time to make Red Velvet Cake every Christmas. I've missed it! Plus, the picture of that cake screams...

Christmas!

And it's only one final exam away!

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ [a] the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."  --Luke 2: 10-12 

Confessions

The truth is this... I want to know what's going to happen. Truth is... I don't feel like I have a "place" right now. The truth is... I have NO idea what I'm going to do when I leave college. Heck, sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing here! The truth is... my life's tough right now! I'm struggling. And the hardest truth... I'm not really sure who to confide in anymore. Right now is difficult for a lot of my friends. School is crazy. We're all anxious about the future. And quite frankly, I'm tired of being the girl knocking on doors with a red face and bloodshot eyes, tears streaming down my face. But that's not the point, it's really about my pride!

The funny thing is this: If you told me I would be where I am, right now, 6 months ago............. I would've told you that I could handle it. I would have told you I could move on. I would've told you there's more fish in the sea. I would have blown of... the tough stuff. I would've told you that I'm okay not having a plan what-so-ever!! I would've told you that I would graduate, move to Birmingham, find a job, live my life, travel, etc., etc. etc. No problem. I would be excited about all the new experiences I might face! But right now, I'm struggling. And that's because I'm not the person I imagined I would be after the last few months. It hasn't been the easy road I expected. I'm having a hard time letting that go. And do you know how I know that I'm having a difficult time? Because I've had experiences (yes, that's plural!) like this: "I'm-sitting-in-a-room-FIGHTING-back-tears-for-dear-life-because-if-I-were-to-get-up-and-walk-out-of-the-room-I-would-make-a-scene" kind of struggling. Yeah. Ridiculous, right? I thought so too. 

This is difficult for me because I see my pride. RIGHT there. Plain as day! Just as sure as the grass is green and the sky is blue. Pleading the fifth. Straight up, prideful.

I WISH my instincts would encourage me to confide in God, to pray. They don't. 
I acknowledge Him, everyday. But actually GIVE it to Him? Let Him handle it, too? Nope. I'm just stacking bricks on my shoulders.

In the mirror in my room, it's written: "God I have relied on myself so many times and I have fallen short. Remind me to rely on you. Amen" I'm relying on myself. Not someone else, but I'm expecting to put it all on MY own shoulders. But I've always said, "You can't always bare the weight of the world on your own shoulders." I confess.
I should take my own advice!

I've tried to write this post... oh, about 10 times!! It's too personal. It's too.... it's showing my scars. It's showing my struggle. It's showing my vulnerability. It's showing my pride! And it's not just one thing. It's not JUST loosing the boy. It's just because when your relationship (of any kind) or your friendships leave your life, things go with it. People go with it, too. My schedule has changed. Things are just different, not bad. Just different. I have more time on my hands. And my friends have the same... it seems. It's the sum of the little things that are difficult. While my friends don't understand all of the changes in my life, we're all facing the uncertainties of what happens after college. I'm just the one writing it here on my blog!

These struggles make me feel weak. But it's TOO much to keep to myself. It's too much to hold alone. I'm not certain clicking 'Publish Post' will instantly free me from these emotions/struggles. I'm skeptical it's not going to help me at all. But I'm trying to be HONEST and TRANSPARENT and that... that may help me deal with the struggles I am facing right now. For a girl who has been blessed beyond measure, it's just a bump in the road. God has a PERFECT plan. ACTUALLY focusing on that... will make things better until they're great again. Because they will be great!

A List

From a girl with a thankful, full heart:

1. We talked about evil {natural and human} at Bible study tonight. It was difficult. At moments, depressing. Then again, it confirmed a lot of the things I have always believed in. God's with us... ALWAYS. It was a great reminder of His constant, abiding love. Have I ever mentioned how grateful I am for His grace and all it encompasses? Because I am! Whole-heartedly. So grateful. Free will? God as our puppeteer? LOVE those conversations.

2. Based on some happenings tonight, I have re-discovered the idea that no matter how life confuses me I DO KNOW exactly what I want. How to get there? Not a clue. But it's a start. It's been a long time coming, too. Clarity is... it's a breath of fresh air. Leigh= 1 point!

3. Laughter is exactly what my soul needs. It's exactly what I got some of tonight.

4. I should be writing and studying my heart out, right now! But I'm too focused on how God gives me these moments of fulfillment when I feel my heart's had a void. And it's too big for me to contain. So, there you go. Another piece of my heart.

5. I had an interview with a friend today {Stephanie} who has her own blog. She interviewed ME about, well, blogging for a huge class project and presentation she is working on. Some of the questions she asked forced me to think about all the personal things I have blogged about lately. In turn, got me thinking about the community blogging creates. I have a fear of sounding like a complete idiot. And I'm sure I have succeeded a time, or 20, in my {short} lifetime. Today, was the first day I thought about how much of my HEART and SOUL I have laid bare here in Blogland! I found myself suddenly overwhelmed. Some of you may be thinking you need to make a trip to Barnes & Noble to buy me a journal for Christmas! I've wondered the same thing, too! Yet, the transparency I have been exposed to by reading other blogs and blogging myself is like NO OTHER! It warms my heart. Learned much more about life, love, growth, living intentionally, what's to come, Faith, and the list could go on through blogs than I ever imagined. You don't always get those lessons within the academic world. So you ask, why am I here? Don't fret any longer, it's not to air my dirty laundry, for sure. Nor do I blog to send readers into a depressed state when I write about heartbreak, evil, sin...or well... you get the point. It's to reflect transparency! It's an effort to relate to the 20-something girl who stumbled across my blog. You know, the one who doesn't have it all together either!? It's for the 30-something year old mom who might be able to give me insight and assurance. It's for ME, for the people who are in my life and the people who may come along! It's to chronicle my 20-something thoughts. I've had many changes of heart since I began EmbraceIt {my old Wordpress blog} back in 2008. We learn by processing, reaching out to others, and having others reach out to us. Although blogging may be overwhelming, at times, it's undoubtedly transparent. Just like a southern girl, I wear my heart on my sleeve.