Confessions

The truth is this... I want to know what's going to happen. Truth is... I don't feel like I have a "place" right now. The truth is... I have NO idea what I'm going to do when I leave college. Heck, sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing here! The truth is... my life's tough right now! I'm struggling. And the hardest truth... I'm not really sure who to confide in anymore. Right now is difficult for a lot of my friends. School is crazy. We're all anxious about the future. And quite frankly, I'm tired of being the girl knocking on doors with a red face and bloodshot eyes, tears streaming down my face. But that's not the point, it's really about my pride!

The funny thing is this: If you told me I would be where I am, right now, 6 months ago............. I would've told you that I could handle it. I would have told you I could move on. I would've told you there's more fish in the sea. I would have blown of... the tough stuff. I would've told you that I'm okay not having a plan what-so-ever!! I would've told you that I would graduate, move to Birmingham, find a job, live my life, travel, etc., etc. etc. No problem. I would be excited about all the new experiences I might face! But right now, I'm struggling. And that's because I'm not the person I imagined I would be after the last few months. It hasn't been the easy road I expected. I'm having a hard time letting that go. And do you know how I know that I'm having a difficult time? Because I've had experiences (yes, that's plural!) like this: "I'm-sitting-in-a-room-FIGHTING-back-tears-for-dear-life-because-if-I-were-to-get-up-and-walk-out-of-the-room-I-would-make-a-scene" kind of struggling. Yeah. Ridiculous, right? I thought so too. 

This is difficult for me because I see my pride. RIGHT there. Plain as day! Just as sure as the grass is green and the sky is blue. Pleading the fifth. Straight up, prideful.

I WISH my instincts would encourage me to confide in God, to pray. They don't. 
I acknowledge Him, everyday. But actually GIVE it to Him? Let Him handle it, too? Nope. I'm just stacking bricks on my shoulders.

In the mirror in my room, it's written: "God I have relied on myself so many times and I have fallen short. Remind me to rely on you. Amen" I'm relying on myself. Not someone else, but I'm expecting to put it all on MY own shoulders. But I've always said, "You can't always bare the weight of the world on your own shoulders." I confess.
I should take my own advice!

I've tried to write this post... oh, about 10 times!! It's too personal. It's too.... it's showing my scars. It's showing my struggle. It's showing my vulnerability. It's showing my pride! And it's not just one thing. It's not JUST loosing the boy. It's just because when your relationship (of any kind) or your friendships leave your life, things go with it. People go with it, too. My schedule has changed. Things are just different, not bad. Just different. I have more time on my hands. And my friends have the same... it seems. It's the sum of the little things that are difficult. While my friends don't understand all of the changes in my life, we're all facing the uncertainties of what happens after college. I'm just the one writing it here on my blog!

These struggles make me feel weak. But it's TOO much to keep to myself. It's too much to hold alone. I'm not certain clicking 'Publish Post' will instantly free me from these emotions/struggles. I'm skeptical it's not going to help me at all. But I'm trying to be HONEST and TRANSPARENT and that... that may help me deal with the struggles I am facing right now. For a girl who has been blessed beyond measure, it's just a bump in the road. God has a PERFECT plan. ACTUALLY focusing on that... will make things better until they're great again. Because they will be great!

Dear Self:

Caution: If you're not into listening about heartbreak OR girly {13 year old girl kind of girly} MUSH that's below...check back later. This post isn't for you ; )


That feeling you're feeling... it's guilt. And you know why you're guilty. It's because you know you made him feel... NOT ENOUGH. But you know, being enough isn't the point at all! He should know not being enough isn't it at all. With every ounce of you're being, you're fighting! You're fighting the urge to DO SOMETHING! But you know, it's not your DOING to be done. It's his... and well... you know where he stands. You're blaming him for not riding in on his white horse. But, then again, you know it just wasn't in the cards. Not now anyway. Self, you know DEEP DOWN that he was more than you imagined you deserved... smart, SO attentive! A loving guy with a big, servant's heart. He was the best friend you ever had.  And that's hard to let that go. He was SO MUCH MORE to you, too, self. You know it! You also know that this CRAP you're going through.. this hurt... this heartbreak. It's necessary! And it's not all his fault. It's lessons learned. It's growing up. It's love had and love lost. It's plans that are God's and not my own. It's LIFE. It's not him! Self, it's God. God's preparing something different. Maybe it's timing. Maybe it's someone else. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's... maybe it's JUST NOT WHAT YOU BOTH HAD PLANNED. You want out of this! You want to rid yourself of these emotions. But remember what you wished for as a young, naive girl???? You remember asking for heartbreak?? YOU DID! Then you met him. And all of the sudden...you never imagined this would be you. You would never let a boy break your heart. You would never fall that hard. You would never feel this weakness that has taken over you. Never say... never. AND SELF, do you remember why you asked for heartbreak all those years ago? Because you knew, even as a young girl, that heartbreak makes you stronger... wiser... more aware of joy... resilient... it makes you ALIVE. Does all this sound like something from a Taylor Swift song? If it shouldn't be, I don't know what is! Self, you just needed to tell yourself {and maybe him} that it wasn't his fault! He's doing the right thing. You're both doing the right thing. Even when it feels wrong. Even when it hurts. It's going to take time, lots of time. Maybe he didn't do the right things many times. I didn't do all the right things, too! I didn't do the right things... a lot! NO ONE DOES ALL THE RIGHT THINGS! I'm tired of talking about FAULT! Blame life. Blame God's plan. Self: STOP blaming YOURSELF and HIM. Self, remember this always! Remember that this life is SO MUCH BIGGER than you... you serve a BIG GOD. And just because things didn't turn out as planned doesn't mean it's someones fault! Self, enjoy LIFE! Enjoy LAUGHTER. Enjoy FRIENDSHIPS. Work HARD. Be a GO-GETTER. Never give up on LOVE because of heartbreak! That's not what heartbreak's meant for, and self, you KNOW that! LET GO of the guilt! Because you just said everything that you had left to say... for now, anyway.

Laughter

I've thought a lot about God having the last laugh, lately! I'm pretty sure I have a daily battle with the idea of my plans vs. God's plans. It's getting pretty repetitious. It wears me out! But here I am. Looking on the bright side, just waiting. Hey God. Hey life. Hey future. I will be here waiting! Don't... you... worry... about... it! No big deal. Whatever!

Of course, I happened to find something in the Bible relevant to this subject. It's talking about Sarah. And I feel a lot like Sarah, right now! My reasons for laughing and failing to laugh are completely different, but it's six and one-half dozen of another! Here's why:

Sarah laughs. Because she is amazed at what God has done.

Sarah fails to laugh. Because she cannot live with her mistake.

Sarah laughs. Because she is overjoyed at the birth of a child.

Sarah fails to laugh. Because she orders another one to death.

Sarah laughs. Because she has finally provided for her husband.

Sarah fails to laugh. Because she divides her husband’s family.

I laugh because I'm amazed at what God is teaching me.

I fail to laugh because I feel defeated/cheated.

I laugh because I am growing closer to God.

I fail to laugh because going through trials are tough, so tough.

Thankfully, God's all about the last laugh. And His word is delivered with perfect timing, although it's not my perfect timing. Just as it was to Sarah despite her impatience. Just as it was to Adam and Eve despite their sin. Thanks a lot! {Sarcasm!} But God’s story is too important for us not to laugh along. He tells us,“Do not be afraid for God has heard your voice right where you are!” And where I am is alright. Because there's not one single day that goes by when I do not laugh. Not one. I think He has a hand in that, too! 

In a Nutshell

From the movie Sweet Home Alabama:

"What is it with you Southern girls? You can't make the right decision until you've tried all the wrong ones!"

Let's see: clothes, men, hairstyles, shoes, life decisions, majors/careers... just about anything!










Today, I've had a very Southern girl kind-of-day! The kind of day where I wonder if I will ever find what it is I am looking for! The kind of day when I look at photography websites of engagement pictures, weddings and all things related to love. I begin to feel like a child, as he/she watches his/her bright red balloon float farther and farther away into the sky. My own dreams slip through my fingers, just like those red balloons. 

As I snap myself back into reality, I am reminded of the best plan. God's plan. His plan is more concrete, more perfect, more timely, more special, more wonderful, more planned out. I must wait. I need to stop worrying, wishing, planning the questions of who and when and where and how! I must wait, still. In the meantime,  I will laugh with my friends. I will laugh at myself, and enjoy the time I have where I have it.

See just like a Southern girl, got to go through all my plans to acknowledge His perfect plan.