Confessions

The truth is this... I want to know what's going to happen. Truth is... I don't feel like I have a "place" right now. The truth is... I have NO idea what I'm going to do when I leave college. Heck, sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing here! The truth is... my life's tough right now! I'm struggling. And the hardest truth... I'm not really sure who to confide in anymore. Right now is difficult for a lot of my friends. School is crazy. We're all anxious about the future. And quite frankly, I'm tired of being the girl knocking on doors with a red face and bloodshot eyes, tears streaming down my face. But that's not the point, it's really about my pride!

The funny thing is this: If you told me I would be where I am, right now, 6 months ago............. I would've told you that I could handle it. I would have told you I could move on. I would've told you there's more fish in the sea. I would have blown of... the tough stuff. I would've told you that I'm okay not having a plan what-so-ever!! I would've told you that I would graduate, move to Birmingham, find a job, live my life, travel, etc., etc. etc. No problem. I would be excited about all the new experiences I might face! But right now, I'm struggling. And that's because I'm not the person I imagined I would be after the last few months. It hasn't been the easy road I expected. I'm having a hard time letting that go. And do you know how I know that I'm having a difficult time? Because I've had experiences (yes, that's plural!) like this: "I'm-sitting-in-a-room-FIGHTING-back-tears-for-dear-life-because-if-I-were-to-get-up-and-walk-out-of-the-room-I-would-make-a-scene" kind of struggling. Yeah. Ridiculous, right? I thought so too. 

This is difficult for me because I see my pride. RIGHT there. Plain as day! Just as sure as the grass is green and the sky is blue. Pleading the fifth. Straight up, prideful.

I WISH my instincts would encourage me to confide in God, to pray. They don't. 
I acknowledge Him, everyday. But actually GIVE it to Him? Let Him handle it, too? Nope. I'm just stacking bricks on my shoulders.

In the mirror in my room, it's written: "God I have relied on myself so many times and I have fallen short. Remind me to rely on you. Amen" I'm relying on myself. Not someone else, but I'm expecting to put it all on MY own shoulders. But I've always said, "You can't always bare the weight of the world on your own shoulders." I confess.
I should take my own advice!

I've tried to write this post... oh, about 10 times!! It's too personal. It's too.... it's showing my scars. It's showing my struggle. It's showing my vulnerability. It's showing my pride! And it's not just one thing. It's not JUST loosing the boy. It's just because when your relationship (of any kind) or your friendships leave your life, things go with it. People go with it, too. My schedule has changed. Things are just different, not bad. Just different. I have more time on my hands. And my friends have the same... it seems. It's the sum of the little things that are difficult. While my friends don't understand all of the changes in my life, we're all facing the uncertainties of what happens after college. I'm just the one writing it here on my blog!

These struggles make me feel weak. But it's TOO much to keep to myself. It's too much to hold alone. I'm not certain clicking 'Publish Post' will instantly free me from these emotions/struggles. I'm skeptical it's not going to help me at all. But I'm trying to be HONEST and TRANSPARENT and that... that may help me deal with the struggles I am facing right now. For a girl who has been blessed beyond measure, it's just a bump in the road. God has a PERFECT plan. ACTUALLY focusing on that... will make things better until they're great again. Because they will be great!

Dear Self:

Caution: If you're not into listening about heartbreak OR girly {13 year old girl kind of girly} MUSH that's below...check back later. This post isn't for you ; )


That feeling you're feeling... it's guilt. And you know why you're guilty. It's because you know you made him feel... NOT ENOUGH. But you know, being enough isn't the point at all! He should know not being enough isn't it at all. With every ounce of you're being, you're fighting! You're fighting the urge to DO SOMETHING! But you know, it's not your DOING to be done. It's his... and well... you know where he stands. You're blaming him for not riding in on his white horse. But, then again, you know it just wasn't in the cards. Not now anyway. Self, you know DEEP DOWN that he was more than you imagined you deserved... smart, SO attentive! A loving guy with a big, servant's heart. He was the best friend you ever had.  And that's hard to let that go. He was SO MUCH MORE to you, too, self. You know it! You also know that this CRAP you're going through.. this hurt... this heartbreak. It's necessary! And it's not all his fault. It's lessons learned. It's growing up. It's love had and love lost. It's plans that are God's and not my own. It's LIFE. It's not him! Self, it's God. God's preparing something different. Maybe it's timing. Maybe it's someone else. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's... maybe it's JUST NOT WHAT YOU BOTH HAD PLANNED. You want out of this! You want to rid yourself of these emotions. But remember what you wished for as a young, naive girl???? You remember asking for heartbreak?? YOU DID! Then you met him. And all of the sudden...you never imagined this would be you. You would never let a boy break your heart. You would never fall that hard. You would never feel this weakness that has taken over you. Never say... never. AND SELF, do you remember why you asked for heartbreak all those years ago? Because you knew, even as a young girl, that heartbreak makes you stronger... wiser... more aware of joy... resilient... it makes you ALIVE. Does all this sound like something from a Taylor Swift song? If it shouldn't be, I don't know what is! Self, you just needed to tell yourself {and maybe him} that it wasn't his fault! He's doing the right thing. You're both doing the right thing. Even when it feels wrong. Even when it hurts. It's going to take time, lots of time. Maybe he didn't do the right things many times. I didn't do all the right things, too! I didn't do the right things... a lot! NO ONE DOES ALL THE RIGHT THINGS! I'm tired of talking about FAULT! Blame life. Blame God's plan. Self: STOP blaming YOURSELF and HIM. Self, remember this always! Remember that this life is SO MUCH BIGGER than you... you serve a BIG GOD. And just because things didn't turn out as planned doesn't mean it's someones fault! Self, enjoy LIFE! Enjoy LAUGHTER. Enjoy FRIENDSHIPS. Work HARD. Be a GO-GETTER. Never give up on LOVE because of heartbreak! That's not what heartbreak's meant for, and self, you KNOW that! LET GO of the guilt! Because you just said everything that you had left to say... for now, anyway.

Note to Self:

You're not responsible for EVERYTHING you think you are-- grasp the concept ALREADY. There should be no doubt in your mind that it's normal to fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, after losing the dating relationship with the person with whom all those plans you made. Remember, God's got better ones! It's okay to forgive yourself! It would actually benefit you a lot, but let's be real...YOU'RE STUBBORN. You should never apologize for your stubbornness, never! No matter how hard it is, self, you've got to realize that the one girl you wish would reach out to you, she's probably not going to though. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her! Grasp that, too! And self, you're going to be okay. REALLY! See how far you've come? See how you can pick yourself up off the floor now? See, self, if you let it... time can heal wounds! See how your relationship with God is growing? And self, it's okay if there's so much school work going on that you can't breathe. That's normal, sorta. But seriously, breathe!  And you know that feeling? The one that makes you think all the plans you have made the past five years are materialistic, stupid, unattainable now? Well, the majority of them, are exactly what you still want! While they may sound materialistic, they're not, really. You just want an amazing husband. And children. And a boat to spend the weekends on the water with the family you have and created. That's not materialistic. Those are your most precious desires. And I, self, would like to think God cares enough. I know He does. Because He also knows... that even though I have not proved it, yet, I believe wholeheartedly I have what it takes to face how much blood, sweat, tears, arguments, LOVE, happiness,  commitment, sacrifices, hope, assurance of God, patience, hard work, discipline, and Faith to get there. That's not stupid. And, self, while you're probably going to rationalize the HELL out of this...  you really should do something fun, exciting and even thrilling after college, and yes with a paycheck too! YOU should travel because you know that's all you've ever wanted to do! So self, stop talking and actually DO something about it. Work up the courage. Self, May 7th 2011 is a lot closer than you think. It's also far enough away, so don't lose your cool... just yet! If I could tell you ONE thing it would be, it's all okay. Stop worrying about the future, the past. Let go! Let go of the things that tie you down. Let go of tying yourself down. Stop! Remember, life's a process and every time you think it's the greatest thing, there's going to be something else. And when you think it's the worst, there's something good... there's always good! Surround yourself with friends, good ones. Work hard, tirelessly until you've finished that paper, project, test, or hurdle. And, self, when you don't meet up to your expectations, because you won't! And when others don't live up to your expectations, because they won't... remember, there's GRACE... in everything!