A List

From a girl with a thankful, full heart:

1. We talked about evil {natural and human} at Bible study tonight. It was difficult. At moments, depressing. Then again, it confirmed a lot of the things I have always believed in. God's with us... ALWAYS. It was a great reminder of His constant, abiding love. Have I ever mentioned how grateful I am for His grace and all it encompasses? Because I am! Whole-heartedly. So grateful. Free will? God as our puppeteer? LOVE those conversations.

2. Based on some happenings tonight, I have re-discovered the idea that no matter how life confuses me I DO KNOW exactly what I want. How to get there? Not a clue. But it's a start. It's been a long time coming, too. Clarity is... it's a breath of fresh air. Leigh= 1 point!

3. Laughter is exactly what my soul needs. It's exactly what I got some of tonight.

4. I should be writing and studying my heart out, right now! But I'm too focused on how God gives me these moments of fulfillment when I feel my heart's had a void. And it's too big for me to contain. So, there you go. Another piece of my heart.

5. I had an interview with a friend today {Stephanie} who has her own blog. She interviewed ME about, well, blogging for a huge class project and presentation she is working on. Some of the questions she asked forced me to think about all the personal things I have blogged about lately. In turn, got me thinking about the community blogging creates. I have a fear of sounding like a complete idiot. And I'm sure I have succeeded a time, or 20, in my {short} lifetime. Today, was the first day I thought about how much of my HEART and SOUL I have laid bare here in Blogland! I found myself suddenly overwhelmed. Some of you may be thinking you need to make a trip to Barnes & Noble to buy me a journal for Christmas! I've wondered the same thing, too! Yet, the transparency I have been exposed to by reading other blogs and blogging myself is like NO OTHER! It warms my heart. Learned much more about life, love, growth, living intentionally, what's to come, Faith, and the list could go on through blogs than I ever imagined. You don't always get those lessons within the academic world. So you ask, why am I here? Don't fret any longer, it's not to air my dirty laundry, for sure. Nor do I blog to send readers into a depressed state when I write about heartbreak, evil, sin...or well... you get the point. It's to reflect transparency! It's an effort to relate to the 20-something girl who stumbled across my blog. You know, the one who doesn't have it all together either!? It's for the 30-something year old mom who might be able to give me insight and assurance. It's for ME, for the people who are in my life and the people who may come along! It's to chronicle my 20-something thoughts. I've had many changes of heart since I began EmbraceIt {my old Wordpress blog} back in 2008. We learn by processing, reaching out to others, and having others reach out to us. Although blogging may be overwhelming, at times, it's undoubtedly transparent. Just like a southern girl, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Dear Self:

Caution: If you're not into listening about heartbreak OR girly {13 year old girl kind of girly} MUSH that's below...check back later. This post isn't for you ; )


That feeling you're feeling... it's guilt. And you know why you're guilty. It's because you know you made him feel... NOT ENOUGH. But you know, being enough isn't the point at all! He should know not being enough isn't it at all. With every ounce of you're being, you're fighting! You're fighting the urge to DO SOMETHING! But you know, it's not your DOING to be done. It's his... and well... you know where he stands. You're blaming him for not riding in on his white horse. But, then again, you know it just wasn't in the cards. Not now anyway. Self, you know DEEP DOWN that he was more than you imagined you deserved... smart, SO attentive! A loving guy with a big, servant's heart. He was the best friend you ever had.  And that's hard to let that go. He was SO MUCH MORE to you, too, self. You know it! You also know that this CRAP you're going through.. this hurt... this heartbreak. It's necessary! And it's not all his fault. It's lessons learned. It's growing up. It's love had and love lost. It's plans that are God's and not my own. It's LIFE. It's not him! Self, it's God. God's preparing something different. Maybe it's timing. Maybe it's someone else. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's... maybe it's JUST NOT WHAT YOU BOTH HAD PLANNED. You want out of this! You want to rid yourself of these emotions. But remember what you wished for as a young, naive girl???? You remember asking for heartbreak?? YOU DID! Then you met him. And all of the sudden...you never imagined this would be you. You would never let a boy break your heart. You would never fall that hard. You would never feel this weakness that has taken over you. Never say... never. AND SELF, do you remember why you asked for heartbreak all those years ago? Because you knew, even as a young girl, that heartbreak makes you stronger... wiser... more aware of joy... resilient... it makes you ALIVE. Does all this sound like something from a Taylor Swift song? If it shouldn't be, I don't know what is! Self, you just needed to tell yourself {and maybe him} that it wasn't his fault! He's doing the right thing. You're both doing the right thing. Even when it feels wrong. Even when it hurts. It's going to take time, lots of time. Maybe he didn't do the right things many times. I didn't do all the right things, too! I didn't do the right things... a lot! NO ONE DOES ALL THE RIGHT THINGS! I'm tired of talking about FAULT! Blame life. Blame God's plan. Self: STOP blaming YOURSELF and HIM. Self, remember this always! Remember that this life is SO MUCH BIGGER than you... you serve a BIG GOD. And just because things didn't turn out as planned doesn't mean it's someones fault! Self, enjoy LIFE! Enjoy LAUGHTER. Enjoy FRIENDSHIPS. Work HARD. Be a GO-GETTER. Never give up on LOVE because of heartbreak! That's not what heartbreak's meant for, and self, you KNOW that! LET GO of the guilt! Because you just said everything that you had left to say... for now, anyway.

It's Compromise That Moves Us Along

I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now because you wouldn't be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the far future, you will gradually-- without even noticing it-- live your way to the answer.


Ranier Maria Rilke

Note to Self:

You're not responsible for EVERYTHING you think you are-- grasp the concept ALREADY. There should be no doubt in your mind that it's normal to fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, after losing the dating relationship with the person with whom all those plans you made. Remember, God's got better ones! It's okay to forgive yourself! It would actually benefit you a lot, but let's be real...YOU'RE STUBBORN. You should never apologize for your stubbornness, never! No matter how hard it is, self, you've got to realize that the one girl you wish would reach out to you, she's probably not going to though. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her! Grasp that, too! And self, you're going to be okay. REALLY! See how far you've come? See how you can pick yourself up off the floor now? See, self, if you let it... time can heal wounds! See how your relationship with God is growing? And self, it's okay if there's so much school work going on that you can't breathe. That's normal, sorta. But seriously, breathe!  And you know that feeling? The one that makes you think all the plans you have made the past five years are materialistic, stupid, unattainable now? Well, the majority of them, are exactly what you still want! While they may sound materialistic, they're not, really. You just want an amazing husband. And children. And a boat to spend the weekends on the water with the family you have and created. That's not materialistic. Those are your most precious desires. And I, self, would like to think God cares enough. I know He does. Because He also knows... that even though I have not proved it, yet, I believe wholeheartedly I have what it takes to face how much blood, sweat, tears, arguments, LOVE, happiness,  commitment, sacrifices, hope, assurance of God, patience, hard work, discipline, and Faith to get there. That's not stupid. And, self, while you're probably going to rationalize the HELL out of this...  you really should do something fun, exciting and even thrilling after college, and yes with a paycheck too! YOU should travel because you know that's all you've ever wanted to do! So self, stop talking and actually DO something about it. Work up the courage. Self, May 7th 2011 is a lot closer than you think. It's also far enough away, so don't lose your cool... just yet! If I could tell you ONE thing it would be, it's all okay. Stop worrying about the future, the past. Let go! Let go of the things that tie you down. Let go of tying yourself down. Stop! Remember, life's a process and every time you think it's the greatest thing, there's going to be something else. And when you think it's the worst, there's something good... there's always good! Surround yourself with friends, good ones. Work hard, tirelessly until you've finished that paper, project, test, or hurdle. And, self, when you don't meet up to your expectations, because you won't! And when others don't live up to your expectations, because they won't... remember, there's GRACE... in everything!

Laughter

I've thought a lot about God having the last laugh, lately! I'm pretty sure I have a daily battle with the idea of my plans vs. God's plans. It's getting pretty repetitious. It wears me out! But here I am. Looking on the bright side, just waiting. Hey God. Hey life. Hey future. I will be here waiting! Don't... you... worry... about... it! No big deal. Whatever!

Of course, I happened to find something in the Bible relevant to this subject. It's talking about Sarah. And I feel a lot like Sarah, right now! My reasons for laughing and failing to laugh are completely different, but it's six and one-half dozen of another! Here's why:

Sarah laughs. Because she is amazed at what God has done.

Sarah fails to laugh. Because she cannot live with her mistake.

Sarah laughs. Because she is overjoyed at the birth of a child.

Sarah fails to laugh. Because she orders another one to death.

Sarah laughs. Because she has finally provided for her husband.

Sarah fails to laugh. Because she divides her husband’s family.

I laugh because I'm amazed at what God is teaching me.

I fail to laugh because I feel defeated/cheated.

I laugh because I am growing closer to God.

I fail to laugh because going through trials are tough, so tough.

Thankfully, God's all about the last laugh. And His word is delivered with perfect timing, although it's not my perfect timing. Just as it was to Sarah despite her impatience. Just as it was to Adam and Eve despite their sin. Thanks a lot! {Sarcasm!} But God’s story is too important for us not to laugh along. He tells us,“Do not be afraid for God has heard your voice right where you are!” And where I am is alright. Because there's not one single day that goes by when I do not laugh. Not one. I think He has a hand in that, too! 

In a Nutshell

From the movie Sweet Home Alabama:

"What is it with you Southern girls? You can't make the right decision until you've tried all the wrong ones!"

Let's see: clothes, men, hairstyles, shoes, life decisions, majors/careers... just about anything!










Today, I've had a very Southern girl kind-of-day! The kind of day where I wonder if I will ever find what it is I am looking for! The kind of day when I look at photography websites of engagement pictures, weddings and all things related to love. I begin to feel like a child, as he/she watches his/her bright red balloon float farther and farther away into the sky. My own dreams slip through my fingers, just like those red balloons. 

As I snap myself back into reality, I am reminded of the best plan. God's plan. His plan is more concrete, more perfect, more timely, more special, more wonderful, more planned out. I must wait. I need to stop worrying, wishing, planning the questions of who and when and where and how! I must wait, still. In the meantime,  I will laugh with my friends. I will laugh at myself, and enjoy the time I have where I have it.

See just like a Southern girl, got to go through all my plans to acknowledge His perfect plan.

On rollet coasters, tunnels, romantic comedies and life...

I have not written in a while. My life has turned upside down. I’ve felt a gamut of emotions. I have been on the craziest roller coaster ride, some may call it life. And for the sake of procrastination, I find myself here…. writing. You know, life is really complicated. Relationships and roles in life are complicated. We try to simplify them. I try to simplify them. We want the answers, the careers, the futures, the experiences we fabricate in our minds. Sometimes we create what is not there, only to discover once the cloud becomes less dense that God has far more planned than we can see through our tunnel vision. And we ALL have tunnel vision. I have tunnel vision. Wow. Deep, huh? I have come to realize that love is…. it’s actually the least complicated of all life’s mysteries. But defining that love– the way you love, the type of love, how to love. Well, that’s where I struggle. And I am becoming okay with that. Everyone I speak to says it’s perfectly normal to be completely confused with my life right now. I’m on target… bull’s eye. And as much as I dislike it, despise it, attempt to fight it, or ignore it. I am failing. Not in an ‘I-suck-at-life’  or depressed kind of failing, but in a God’s got a plan for you bigger than that tunnel vision you’re looking through—kind of failing. And I’m naive to think anything less than His perfect plan. And that’s okay, because so… is… everyone… else. One of the most amazing aspects of my Faith– my whole life– has been the assurance that God has predestined my life. That He knows me so intimately that He knows my every thought and His intention for me is to live striving toward His image. It’s quite amusing to me that’s the idea I’m struggling with right now. His plan. He has had one all along and He will have one still. And I KNOW this, and so I laugh at myself.


Because really, I want my life to be simple. Not messy. Not trying. Not complicated. I don’t want the tough things to exist: Like sin. Or hurt. Or homelessness. Or break-ups. Or cancer. Or failure. Or unanswered questions. Or mistakes. Or divorce. Or regret. Or What If’s. I’ve got it all wrong. I know it. I’m aware. But I am learning, still.


Now more than ever, I see God’s reasoning for emotions. I find myself happy, sad, hurt, healing, strong, weak, joyful, fearful, angry, anticipating, optimistic, stubborn, envious, jealous, agitated, excited, empathetic, and I am sure far more emotions than I am able to recognize and articulate. Truly, I am appreciating the lows for what I am learning from them. And the glimpses of joy and excitement, and the rush of the unknown make me feel most fortunate for the times when I’m down. I am learning to recognize and compartmentalize my feelings, and God’s reasoning for all the really difficult things bring me to the realization that Charles Swindoll (whoever he is) phrased it most clearly: “I cannot find either in scripture or in history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until he allowed them to be hurt deeply.”  I haven’t checked all of scripture or history to verify this, but from my own experiences I believe it to be true. Through the emotions and struggles of life, I see the glimpses of beauty in the people I love (no matter how it is that I love them), the beauty of the unknown, the beauty of friendships and laughter and forgiveness, the beauty of lessons learned and lessons left to discover; the beauty of other’s joy and His faithfulness. And the happy endings seem to become less and less important—even if I should really discontinue watching romantic comedies altogether. The journey becomes the most significant, and so, if it takes turning my life upside down and being tossed and thrown on the roller coaster I call life to find exactly where He wants me to be and who He wants me to become, it’s worth it. I think.