This is Goodnight and Not Goodbye

Two of my sorority sisters in my pledge class will be leaving after this semester for internships. Jenny will be close, just in Birmingham. I'm sure she will be in Tuscaloosa a lot and so... I'm just not even prepared to consider her not being around.

But Katie??? She will be hundreds of miles away in Philadelphia. A few days ago, the girls I pledged Theta with put aside the little bit of drama, the stress, and a night of studying for finals to be with each other! We talked, laughed and made plans. And at the end of the night, Katie spoke...

And I'm going to miss this girl. We're different in a lot of ways, but what happened 3 and 1/2 years ago make those differences completely irrelevant. During recruitment {on Preference Night} we sat right next to each other at the Kappa Alpha Theta house. I remember thinking to myself, as I watched tears fall down her cheek during the video: 

"If this is the kind of girl that's going to be in this house, this is the sorority I want to be a part of..." And it was! And she is.

Katie is steadfast.

 

Katie is loyal and hardworking.

She is thoughtful. 

And she writes me notes like this: 



And for Christmas, she bought me a book {Random Acts of Kindness} to remind me of: "the pure goodness in this world... you can read the stories of these strangers and be moved," she wrote.

Katie, I know we're not leaving Tuscaloosa for a few more days. And I know I will see you again in April/May. And I know I will see you A LOT after that! But you must know, now... thank you for ALWAYS being there! Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder. And sit on your bed. Thank you for all of the laughs, walks, dinners, shopping trips and long conversations. Thank you for being consistent, always. Thank you for understanding me. You know my heart. You know that your letters mean the world to me! Thank you for coming to me, too. Thank you for reaching out to me. You practice faith, hope and love. You are one of the many reasons I LOVE THIS HOUSE SO SO SO MUCH! I would "buy" these SISTERS all over again! And if I thought I could make you stay, I would. But I know differently. I know you have BIG plans! You will go and do what it is that you love! Go. Be. Do!

Fleeting

Today {well, tonight} I have been reminded that time is fleeting. It comes and it goes. It's like the Farris Bueller quote: "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it!" Tonight, the campus ministry I have been involved with since my freshmen year had our Annual {Tacky} Christmas Party and Dirty Santa gift exchange. Two things specifically reminded me of how quickly time passes. The family {Mrs. Shelley}, whose home hosted our party, reminded me that we have known each other for FOUR years. Wow. It seems I was a freshmen yesterday. It's a long road, but the time has come and continues to pass. Also, talking with my friend Meagan I realized another reminder of how fleeting this time of my life is becoming...  We remembered the first Christmas Party we attended our freshmen year. And now, tonight was our last. Sooo fleeting it's not even funny! But I have a really great life! This place... Tuscaloosa... it's changed me. It's stretched me. It's been a BLAST. It now holds such a special place in my heart! The beginning of this school year, I found myself saying this is my last collegiate fall sorority recruitment. This is the last time I will spend two weeks of sisterhood week {recruitment practice} with my pledge class. This is my last, first day of undergraduate school. This is the last place I will live as a college student. And that seems like YESTERDAY. Tonight, I'm reminded that this semester is coming to a close. Life's happened over the last few months! I'd forgotten about all these "lasts" until tonight. I mean... I've watched my friends [KATIE and BETHANY] talk about these same things. But it never hit me. I've wanted to live in the moment!! Right now! And I am still. I think it's okay for me to take a step back. It's good that I'm noticing these lasts, as long as I don't let them get me down! Noticing the lasts makes me take Farris Bueller's advice about taking a look around before I miss THIS! My family friend, Mrs. Lynn, was right four years ago when she told me there was so much more to this University... and this college experience... than what's in between the front and back of a textbook! I believed she was right then. I KNOW she was right, now! Fleeting, I tell you!



This past Friday marked another end of an era. My last FOOTBALL SEASON of my college career here at the Capstone! ROLL TIDE! Auburn beat us by ONE point! And that's all I'm going to say about that. It was a bittersweet memory. Such is this life : ) We know my blog lacks in the picture department. I LOVE photography. But you would never know, because I don't take enough pictures! Here's some I stole from Facebook from football seasons over the last four years:


 

"My friend, let's not think of tomorrow, but let's enjoy this fleeting moment of life." -- Omar Khayyam

Dear Self:

Caution: If you're not into listening about heartbreak OR girly {13 year old girl kind of girly} MUSH that's below...check back later. This post isn't for you ; )


That feeling you're feeling... it's guilt. And you know why you're guilty. It's because you know you made him feel... NOT ENOUGH. But you know, being enough isn't the point at all! He should know not being enough isn't it at all. With every ounce of you're being, you're fighting! You're fighting the urge to DO SOMETHING! But you know, it's not your DOING to be done. It's his... and well... you know where he stands. You're blaming him for not riding in on his white horse. But, then again, you know it just wasn't in the cards. Not now anyway. Self, you know DEEP DOWN that he was more than you imagined you deserved... smart, SO attentive! A loving guy with a big, servant's heart. He was the best friend you ever had.  And that's hard to let that go. He was SO MUCH MORE to you, too, self. You know it! You also know that this CRAP you're going through.. this hurt... this heartbreak. It's necessary! And it's not all his fault. It's lessons learned. It's growing up. It's love had and love lost. It's plans that are God's and not my own. It's LIFE. It's not him! Self, it's God. God's preparing something different. Maybe it's timing. Maybe it's someone else. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's... maybe it's JUST NOT WHAT YOU BOTH HAD PLANNED. You want out of this! You want to rid yourself of these emotions. But remember what you wished for as a young, naive girl???? You remember asking for heartbreak?? YOU DID! Then you met him. And all of the sudden...you never imagined this would be you. You would never let a boy break your heart. You would never fall that hard. You would never feel this weakness that has taken over you. Never say... never. AND SELF, do you remember why you asked for heartbreak all those years ago? Because you knew, even as a young girl, that heartbreak makes you stronger... wiser... more aware of joy... resilient... it makes you ALIVE. Does all this sound like something from a Taylor Swift song? If it shouldn't be, I don't know what is! Self, you just needed to tell yourself {and maybe him} that it wasn't his fault! He's doing the right thing. You're both doing the right thing. Even when it feels wrong. Even when it hurts. It's going to take time, lots of time. Maybe he didn't do the right things many times. I didn't do all the right things, too! I didn't do the right things... a lot! NO ONE DOES ALL THE RIGHT THINGS! I'm tired of talking about FAULT! Blame life. Blame God's plan. Self: STOP blaming YOURSELF and HIM. Self, remember this always! Remember that this life is SO MUCH BIGGER than you... you serve a BIG GOD. And just because things didn't turn out as planned doesn't mean it's someones fault! Self, enjoy LIFE! Enjoy LAUGHTER. Enjoy FRIENDSHIPS. Work HARD. Be a GO-GETTER. Never give up on LOVE because of heartbreak! That's not what heartbreak's meant for, and self, you KNOW that! LET GO of the guilt! Because you just said everything that you had left to say... for now, anyway.

It's Compromise That Moves Us Along

I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now because you wouldn't be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the far future, you will gradually-- without even noticing it-- live your way to the answer.


Ranier Maria Rilke

In a Nutshell

From the movie Sweet Home Alabama:

"What is it with you Southern girls? You can't make the right decision until you've tried all the wrong ones!"

Let's see: clothes, men, hairstyles, shoes, life decisions, majors/careers... just about anything!










Today, I've had a very Southern girl kind-of-day! The kind of day where I wonder if I will ever find what it is I am looking for! The kind of day when I look at photography websites of engagement pictures, weddings and all things related to love. I begin to feel like a child, as he/she watches his/her bright red balloon float farther and farther away into the sky. My own dreams slip through my fingers, just like those red balloons. 

As I snap myself back into reality, I am reminded of the best plan. God's plan. His plan is more concrete, more perfect, more timely, more special, more wonderful, more planned out. I must wait. I need to stop worrying, wishing, planning the questions of who and when and where and how! I must wait, still. In the meantime,  I will laugh with my friends. I will laugh at myself, and enjoy the time I have where I have it.

See just like a Southern girl, got to go through all my plans to acknowledge His perfect plan.

On rollet coasters, tunnels, romantic comedies and life...

I have not written in a while. My life has turned upside down. I’ve felt a gamut of emotions. I have been on the craziest roller coaster ride, some may call it life. And for the sake of procrastination, I find myself here…. writing. You know, life is really complicated. Relationships and roles in life are complicated. We try to simplify them. I try to simplify them. We want the answers, the careers, the futures, the experiences we fabricate in our minds. Sometimes we create what is not there, only to discover once the cloud becomes less dense that God has far more planned than we can see through our tunnel vision. And we ALL have tunnel vision. I have tunnel vision. Wow. Deep, huh? I have come to realize that love is…. it’s actually the least complicated of all life’s mysteries. But defining that love– the way you love, the type of love, how to love. Well, that’s where I struggle. And I am becoming okay with that. Everyone I speak to says it’s perfectly normal to be completely confused with my life right now. I’m on target… bull’s eye. And as much as I dislike it, despise it, attempt to fight it, or ignore it. I am failing. Not in an ‘I-suck-at-life’  or depressed kind of failing, but in a God’s got a plan for you bigger than that tunnel vision you’re looking through—kind of failing. And I’m naive to think anything less than His perfect plan. And that’s okay, because so… is… everyone… else. One of the most amazing aspects of my Faith– my whole life– has been the assurance that God has predestined my life. That He knows me so intimately that He knows my every thought and His intention for me is to live striving toward His image. It’s quite amusing to me that’s the idea I’m struggling with right now. His plan. He has had one all along and He will have one still. And I KNOW this, and so I laugh at myself.


Because really, I want my life to be simple. Not messy. Not trying. Not complicated. I don’t want the tough things to exist: Like sin. Or hurt. Or homelessness. Or break-ups. Or cancer. Or failure. Or unanswered questions. Or mistakes. Or divorce. Or regret. Or What If’s. I’ve got it all wrong. I know it. I’m aware. But I am learning, still.


Now more than ever, I see God’s reasoning for emotions. I find myself happy, sad, hurt, healing, strong, weak, joyful, fearful, angry, anticipating, optimistic, stubborn, envious, jealous, agitated, excited, empathetic, and I am sure far more emotions than I am able to recognize and articulate. Truly, I am appreciating the lows for what I am learning from them. And the glimpses of joy and excitement, and the rush of the unknown make me feel most fortunate for the times when I’m down. I am learning to recognize and compartmentalize my feelings, and God’s reasoning for all the really difficult things bring me to the realization that Charles Swindoll (whoever he is) phrased it most clearly: “I cannot find either in scripture or in history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until he allowed them to be hurt deeply.”  I haven’t checked all of scripture or history to verify this, but from my own experiences I believe it to be true. Through the emotions and struggles of life, I see the glimpses of beauty in the people I love (no matter how it is that I love them), the beauty of the unknown, the beauty of friendships and laughter and forgiveness, the beauty of lessons learned and lessons left to discover; the beauty of other’s joy and His faithfulness. And the happy endings seem to become less and less important—even if I should really discontinue watching romantic comedies altogether. The journey becomes the most significant, and so, if it takes turning my life upside down and being tossed and thrown on the roller coaster I call life to find exactly where He wants me to be and who He wants me to become, it’s worth it. I think.