This is Goodnight and Not Goodbye

Two of my sorority sisters in my pledge class will be leaving after this semester for internships. Jenny will be close, just in Birmingham. I'm sure she will be in Tuscaloosa a lot and so... I'm just not even prepared to consider her not being around.

But Katie??? She will be hundreds of miles away in Philadelphia. A few days ago, the girls I pledged Theta with put aside the little bit of drama, the stress, and a night of studying for finals to be with each other! We talked, laughed and made plans. And at the end of the night, Katie spoke...

And I'm going to miss this girl. We're different in a lot of ways, but what happened 3 and 1/2 years ago make those differences completely irrelevant. During recruitment {on Preference Night} we sat right next to each other at the Kappa Alpha Theta house. I remember thinking to myself, as I watched tears fall down her cheek during the video: 

"If this is the kind of girl that's going to be in this house, this is the sorority I want to be a part of..." And it was! And she is.

Katie is steadfast.

 

Katie is loyal and hardworking.

She is thoughtful. 

And she writes me notes like this: 



And for Christmas, she bought me a book {Random Acts of Kindness} to remind me of: "the pure goodness in this world... you can read the stories of these strangers and be moved," she wrote.

Katie, I know we're not leaving Tuscaloosa for a few more days. And I know I will see you again in April/May. And I know I will see you A LOT after that! But you must know, now... thank you for ALWAYS being there! Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder. And sit on your bed. Thank you for all of the laughs, walks, dinners, shopping trips and long conversations. Thank you for being consistent, always. Thank you for understanding me. You know my heart. You know that your letters mean the world to me! Thank you for coming to me, too. Thank you for reaching out to me. You practice faith, hope and love. You are one of the many reasons I LOVE THIS HOUSE SO SO SO MUCH! I would "buy" these SISTERS all over again! And if I thought I could make you stay, I would. But I know differently. I know you have BIG plans! You will go and do what it is that you love! Go. Be. Do!

Confessions

The truth is this... I want to know what's going to happen. Truth is... I don't feel like I have a "place" right now. The truth is... I have NO idea what I'm going to do when I leave college. Heck, sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing here! The truth is... my life's tough right now! I'm struggling. And the hardest truth... I'm not really sure who to confide in anymore. Right now is difficult for a lot of my friends. School is crazy. We're all anxious about the future. And quite frankly, I'm tired of being the girl knocking on doors with a red face and bloodshot eyes, tears streaming down my face. But that's not the point, it's really about my pride!

The funny thing is this: If you told me I would be where I am, right now, 6 months ago............. I would've told you that I could handle it. I would have told you I could move on. I would've told you there's more fish in the sea. I would have blown of... the tough stuff. I would've told you that I'm okay not having a plan what-so-ever!! I would've told you that I would graduate, move to Birmingham, find a job, live my life, travel, etc., etc. etc. No problem. I would be excited about all the new experiences I might face! But right now, I'm struggling. And that's because I'm not the person I imagined I would be after the last few months. It hasn't been the easy road I expected. I'm having a hard time letting that go. And do you know how I know that I'm having a difficult time? Because I've had experiences (yes, that's plural!) like this: "I'm-sitting-in-a-room-FIGHTING-back-tears-for-dear-life-because-if-I-were-to-get-up-and-walk-out-of-the-room-I-would-make-a-scene" kind of struggling. Yeah. Ridiculous, right? I thought so too. 

This is difficult for me because I see my pride. RIGHT there. Plain as day! Just as sure as the grass is green and the sky is blue. Pleading the fifth. Straight up, prideful.

I WISH my instincts would encourage me to confide in God, to pray. They don't. 
I acknowledge Him, everyday. But actually GIVE it to Him? Let Him handle it, too? Nope. I'm just stacking bricks on my shoulders.

In the mirror in my room, it's written: "God I have relied on myself so many times and I have fallen short. Remind me to rely on you. Amen" I'm relying on myself. Not someone else, but I'm expecting to put it all on MY own shoulders. But I've always said, "You can't always bare the weight of the world on your own shoulders." I confess.
I should take my own advice!

I've tried to write this post... oh, about 10 times!! It's too personal. It's too.... it's showing my scars. It's showing my struggle. It's showing my vulnerability. It's showing my pride! And it's not just one thing. It's not JUST loosing the boy. It's just because when your relationship (of any kind) or your friendships leave your life, things go with it. People go with it, too. My schedule has changed. Things are just different, not bad. Just different. I have more time on my hands. And my friends have the same... it seems. It's the sum of the little things that are difficult. While my friends don't understand all of the changes in my life, we're all facing the uncertainties of what happens after college. I'm just the one writing it here on my blog!

These struggles make me feel weak. But it's TOO much to keep to myself. It's too much to hold alone. I'm not certain clicking 'Publish Post' will instantly free me from these emotions/struggles. I'm skeptical it's not going to help me at all. But I'm trying to be HONEST and TRANSPARENT and that... that may help me deal with the struggles I am facing right now. For a girl who has been blessed beyond measure, it's just a bump in the road. God has a PERFECT plan. ACTUALLY focusing on that... will make things better until they're great again. Because they will be great!

Fleeting

Today {well, tonight} I have been reminded that time is fleeting. It comes and it goes. It's like the Farris Bueller quote: "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it!" Tonight, the campus ministry I have been involved with since my freshmen year had our Annual {Tacky} Christmas Party and Dirty Santa gift exchange. Two things specifically reminded me of how quickly time passes. The family {Mrs. Shelley}, whose home hosted our party, reminded me that we have known each other for FOUR years. Wow. It seems I was a freshmen yesterday. It's a long road, but the time has come and continues to pass. Also, talking with my friend Meagan I realized another reminder of how fleeting this time of my life is becoming...  We remembered the first Christmas Party we attended our freshmen year. And now, tonight was our last. Sooo fleeting it's not even funny! But I have a really great life! This place... Tuscaloosa... it's changed me. It's stretched me. It's been a BLAST. It now holds such a special place in my heart! The beginning of this school year, I found myself saying this is my last collegiate fall sorority recruitment. This is the last time I will spend two weeks of sisterhood week {recruitment practice} with my pledge class. This is my last, first day of undergraduate school. This is the last place I will live as a college student. And that seems like YESTERDAY. Tonight, I'm reminded that this semester is coming to a close. Life's happened over the last few months! I'd forgotten about all these "lasts" until tonight. I mean... I've watched my friends [KATIE and BETHANY] talk about these same things. But it never hit me. I've wanted to live in the moment!! Right now! And I am still. I think it's okay for me to take a step back. It's good that I'm noticing these lasts, as long as I don't let them get me down! Noticing the lasts makes me take Farris Bueller's advice about taking a look around before I miss THIS! My family friend, Mrs. Lynn, was right four years ago when she told me there was so much more to this University... and this college experience... than what's in between the front and back of a textbook! I believed she was right then. I KNOW she was right, now! Fleeting, I tell you!



This past Friday marked another end of an era. My last FOOTBALL SEASON of my college career here at the Capstone! ROLL TIDE! Auburn beat us by ONE point! And that's all I'm going to say about that. It was a bittersweet memory. Such is this life : ) We know my blog lacks in the picture department. I LOVE photography. But you would never know, because I don't take enough pictures! Here's some I stole from Facebook from football seasons over the last four years:


 

"My friend, let's not think of tomorrow, but let's enjoy this fleeting moment of life." -- Omar Khayyam

Laughter

I've thought a lot about God having the last laugh, lately! I'm pretty sure I have a daily battle with the idea of my plans vs. God's plans. It's getting pretty repetitious. It wears me out! But here I am. Looking on the bright side, just waiting. Hey God. Hey life. Hey future. I will be here waiting! Don't... you... worry... about... it! No big deal. Whatever!

Of course, I happened to find something in the Bible relevant to this subject. It's talking about Sarah. And I feel a lot like Sarah, right now! My reasons for laughing and failing to laugh are completely different, but it's six and one-half dozen of another! Here's why:

Sarah laughs. Because she is amazed at what God has done.

Sarah fails to laugh. Because she cannot live with her mistake.

Sarah laughs. Because she is overjoyed at the birth of a child.

Sarah fails to laugh. Because she orders another one to death.

Sarah laughs. Because she has finally provided for her husband.

Sarah fails to laugh. Because she divides her husband’s family.

I laugh because I'm amazed at what God is teaching me.

I fail to laugh because I feel defeated/cheated.

I laugh because I am growing closer to God.

I fail to laugh because going through trials are tough, so tough.

Thankfully, God's all about the last laugh. And His word is delivered with perfect timing, although it's not my perfect timing. Just as it was to Sarah despite her impatience. Just as it was to Adam and Eve despite their sin. Thanks a lot! {Sarcasm!} But God’s story is too important for us not to laugh along. He tells us,“Do not be afraid for God has heard your voice right where you are!” And where I am is alright. Because there's not one single day that goes by when I do not laugh. Not one. I think He has a hand in that, too!