Yada, yada, yada

A lot going on in my mind and heart. 


I'm sorry for the depressing blogs, especially of late. I'm sorry for talking about how rough this period of my life's been. But I'm not too sorry. Because this life? It ain't all glitter, baby! 


Most of all, I'm sorry for using language that seems so churchy. It's an accident. Because I have a confession: Before last weekend, it had been MONTHS since I attended church. Yes, months. I won't go into it, but just so you know where I'm coming from on this. Just know that I still reached out to communities of faith, I still prayed and I still read books on grace and love and yada yada yada....


I'm human. First. And I'm not afraid to admit it. God already knows.  It's obvious, especially with that yada, yada, yada. Ha! 


I've succeeded and I've failed. I've had my share of rough days and amazing, perfect days. I've had my heartbroken. I've broken hearts. I have let good friendships pass me by and I've let others go too far. I'm not nearly as kind most days as I would like to be every, single day. I fight with the people I love too often. I have said things I don't always mean. I've been too hard on myself and too hard on others. And then there are the days when I don't feel like I did nearly enough. Days when I feel like I've failed. I hold the whole, entire world to standards that are absolutely unreal. Most days, I feel like the kindergardener of adulthood. I'm so imperfect. 


It's just because He is all I've had lately. And I love Him because He has loved me first. 


I'm learning to confess. I'm learning to extend kindness. I read about the ways God works in others lives to replicate that love and grace that I see in them in my life - despite being frustrated with where I am right now. I freak out every day. And then, I remind myself that it's all going to be okay. I am growing. I want to be a better version of me.


I just know there's no way for me to do that alone...