I've got good reasons. My parents haven’t lived in the 21st century... as in my parents haven’t had wireless internet (or DVR) in the home I grew up in. Well, until yesterday! I'm so excited I cannot contain it! Welcome the Bradford family into the 21st century! Is it okay if my post is random? Is it okay if it’s long? My life's in a transition period all around. My thoughts jumbled and they’ve been that way for weeks. So, I'm just going to write what may be the longest post I’ve ever written. It’s a collection of my thoughts, my dreams, my struggles and everything in between. In fact, it’s the first time I’ve written anything that’s even close enough to publish—in over a month. Here goes...
In a world where I hear the saying “...things change...” daily, sometimes it’s refreshing to have a reminder that it isn't always true. In fact, some things don’t change much at all. Life's funny that way. Sometimes the person, who knew you best, still does. Your first love, well, is always your first. And your dreams? Well, mine aren't so different at twenty-one, as they were at fifteen years old. Actually, last night I was thinking about “15-year-old Leigh” with of her dreams and her expectations about life:
· To build my own career
· To make an impact on the lives of others
· To love deeply, without regret
· To build— sometimes struggle with— and strengthen my relationship with God
· To remain fiercely independent
· To be a mom and a wife
· To be passionate about the things and people I love
· To own a house and a boat
· To be happy, truly happy
· To never marry until I'd lived and experienced life
· To find confidence in myself and my abilities
I’ve daydreamed over and over again what my life would be like with those things– a husband, a family and the life those entities create. And today, I'm amazed that my dreams are not different at all...
Yesterday, an old friend contacted me via email to make sure I was okay after the tornado in Tuscaloosa. It's around a month and a half later, but that's alright— some things take time— God tugs on your heart long and steady enough for you to listen and react. At first I was very much frustrated, and I thought to myself: "How random? You've got to be kidding me. You can't just pop in and out of people's lives, you know? We made our decisions. We walked away and we both knew what that meant."
Then, as the conversation progressed I thought about what this person (and the situation) was teaching me. It was a reminder for me that not all things change. Some friendships are rare enough to still be there through the years of silence— even through all of life's many changes, which I'm not blind to believe exist. And as I posted on Twitter earlier today— “I'm amazed how God brings people in and out of our lives and sometimes back in, momentarily, to teach us what we may have forgotten...”
At the crossroad I’ve come to in my life, I'm forced to take a step back and look at what I want. In short, I've been on a mad-dash for the perfect life. But all great things take time, careful thought and prayerful consideration... and more time.
You know the saying "You can always go home..." Whoever said that was wrong. My parents are great, really. But I'm itching for my own space, my own schedule and my own ways of doing things. So, you can go home. You can enjoy it. You can have help you're not used to having on your own. You can enjoy your parents company. You can be thankful for their advice. But you cannot really go home— not when you're trying to make a home and a life of your own. I'm confident that these things just haven't come for me.... yet! Life's a constant search for harmony. And right now it feels like one big question mark…
I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked room like books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way to the answer. – Rainer Maria Rilke
When it comes down to it, I've forgotten about the 15-year-old girl with all those ideas about life, a career, family and love until recently. I feel often that I was braver, wiser, and more ambitious at 15 than I am now. I got caught up in day-to-day life. I've talked myself out of a lot of things and into some others. I see more clearly now how Someone else is guiding my steps. I've been thinking a lot lately about my dreams and my life's direction. I've thought about all the lists I used to make to remind myself of what I wanted. And I've thought a lot about the clarity those dreams brought me. And through all of life's transitions and my upcoming decisions about life, clarity is needed....
· I want confidence in myself and in my dreams.
· I want ambition to make those dreams a reality.
· I want to speak only kind words.
· I want to embrace life's mysteries.
· I want to fall IN love over and over – as many times as it's real.
· I want to laugh... a lot! Every day.
· I want to challenge myself and others.
· I want others to challenge me.
· I want to explore, travel, and see and try new things.
· I want to have fun! And enjoy life to its fullest.
· I want to take the important things more seriously.
· I want to take the unimportant things less seriously.
· I want to love God with all my heart & not lean on my own understanding...
The other day I glanced at a few pages of "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan that I read last summer. In it, this phrase was written: "I can’t believe that a God..." and it got me thinking.... "I can’t believe that a God who loves me wouldn’t love..." all the other sinners who are and who live their lives differently than me. But in actually, who Am I to begin to understand God’s capabilities? Who Am I to define God's love? Oh, yeah. Umm... I'm not. It's not my place.
I’d say that’s a random post…
“Well my mama told me there’ll be days like this When you don’t need to worry there’ll be days like this…”
{Blog Title: “Days Like This,” Van Morrison}
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