the old, the new and hopefully nothing blue

I've been down, pretty low over the last few months. Time and time again I think about how drastically LESS my life has changed compared to those who were in the midst of that tornado on April 27th - those who have lost so much, those who have experienced the devastation first-hand by living through it, those who lost friends and family. And those who lost their lives. I know that day didn't change my life like their lives have been changed. I was safe, physically unscathed. My apartment, okay. But the account of that afternoon, night and the coming days stays with me. That day is significant to me because it was an ending and the start of a new beginning. Unexpected, ready-or-not-here-it-comes, real world beginning. There were few "goodbyes" "or see you laters." There was no finals week. There was no last, Spring party with my pledge sisters and closest college friends. At times, it seems like a ripped band-aid. You question whether it's better than the slow pull, or not. I've mourned that time in my life and I've moved past it. Nonetheless, big transitions are rarely easy. This time in my life is proof.
 
Since then, I've scored an awesome internship. I've moved home, which is not so awesome. I ended probably the most important relationship in my life, following behind my relationship with God. I've taken many, many drives with bloodshot, watery eyes. I've graduated from college. I've dealt with a season of depression. I've struggled with my body image. I've ached from the bottom of my heart for something, anything to move my life forward. All the while, feeling stagnant. 


Meanwhile, I've wondered where God has been, while going through this. And I've wondered why He wasn't responding by moving my life forward. In fact, at this point, I'm not really sure He is moving my life forward. No, actually, I am sure... I'm completely sure. Because two weeks ago, I didn't have the opportunities I have while I'm typing this. Today, I have two. And by opportunities, I mean job interviews. 


This process has been slow-moving. And the fact is, I have no idea what's in store. In fact, in a few days I may be writing a completely different, dramatic post on how my life is stagnant and the opportunities didn't work out. But today, I'm just thankful for those opportunities. If nothing else, today means that God's telling me, "I've got this, remember? I haven't left you. I haven't forsaken you." And really, that's what I NEED most of all. That confirmation is doing wonders for my weary heart. So, today, I'm humbled. Today may seem so insignificant to you, whoever you are reading this, but today feels like an answer to those tears, prayers, doubts and all that heartache. I don't know how to say this, so I'll just blurt it out. I've got a little more faith in God today than I did a few days ago. Really, it was pretty low. So, here's to opportunities. Here's to prayers. Here's the positive thoughts. Here's to the people who are supporting and loving me through this unconditionally. Here's to going through all the heartache, tears and disappointments just to get here. Just to know that He's helping me through this. To know He's got my back. 


I'm also aware, after these interviews, of this waiting period and the upcoming decisions I will need to make should one or both of these opportunities work in my favor. I know this may be just the beginning of more job searching. Or this could be the beginning of where to I live, how will I make new friends, what's best for this reason or that reason. It's the big stuff. But, to me, that's the exciting stuff. So, I'll keep praying. And crossing my fingers. And I keep telling God, "Just put me where You want me. I'll go." And I will. 


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"You will want to go back. You will want explanations for the way things happened, and you'll want questions answered that will get no response at all. But I promise that one day, you won't even want that... and that day is a good day." Alais Escobar