The other night, I ran across a proposal on Pinterest that highlighted all of these special moments in their relationship. Like the first time they kissed, moved to another town, spent a weekend in Atlanta... you get my point. It was so neat and so much fun to watch! But I remember thinking the whole time, "How did he remember all those specific dates?"
I'm not one to remember exact dates, just memories.
But today, September 21st marks a one year anniversary for me. I wish I could say it was a really fun, exciting memory. But really, it's not. Last year, it was a Tuesday and it marked a day that I cried... like... a whole lot. For many months, I got this feeling of someone kicking me in my gut on Tuesday's. But now, I like Tuesdays again just fine. It's so hard for me to believe it's been a whole year. The difficulty of this year is, in fact, on my mind.
But you know what I really keep thinking about today?
The friendships that have been made or strengthened. The heart-wrenching and beautiful life lessons that have filled the last year. The knowledge that I've given complete forgiveness and don't hold a grudge, which is somewhat uncommon for me. The thought that I had it all together and God laughed at me and said, "Oh no honey, actually, you really don't!" And he continues to show me just that, in real life.
Over this year, I've been hurt. I've been strong. I've made mistakes. I've been weak. I've failed. I've grown. I've leaned on God. I've broken a heart. I've cried on my friend's shoulders. I've gotten my heart broken. I've doubted God's presence in my life. I've watched my friends stand by me. I've learned that you don't have to have it all together. And I've desperately wished I had it altogether. I've learned that I'm often wrong. I've learned that I can make things worse than they are and more complicated, too. I've learned that some things are - in fact - simple.
This isn't a story about how I've come through this year with flying colors and my life's so much better now that it's in retrospect. If that's the story you're looking for, this isn't it. I can't give that story to you, or even myself. I'm still in the trenches. I could tell you that this is where He wants me and it will all be okay, but I really don't feel that most days. I'd much rather sit and cry about the lack of direction in my life. But believe me - I work hard daily to move forward. Time. It just takes time.
I'm not going to make any declarations about the upcoming year, or tell you that I just know it's going to get so much better soon. I don't know a thing about tomorrow, remember?! But I'll tell you I am grateful for this year. I don't like it, not one bit. I wish a lot of things turned out differently, but I'm grateful. I'm not sad about today - I'm not eating a carton of ice cream or wallowing in self-pity. And I don't think that it's awful that I'm remembering a bad day. Trust me, I remember all the really great days too! Today's been a good day for me. Today's just another day - another part of this journey. So I'll be grateful for its lessons.
I'm not one to remember exact dates, just memories.
But today, September 21st marks a one year anniversary for me. I wish I could say it was a really fun, exciting memory. But really, it's not. Last year, it was a Tuesday and it marked a day that I cried... like... a whole lot. For many months, I got this feeling of someone kicking me in my gut on Tuesday's. But now, I like Tuesdays again just fine. It's so hard for me to believe it's been a whole year. The difficulty of this year is, in fact, on my mind.
But you know what I really keep thinking about today?
The friendships that have been made or strengthened. The heart-wrenching and beautiful life lessons that have filled the last year. The knowledge that I've given complete forgiveness and don't hold a grudge, which is somewhat uncommon for me. The thought that I had it all together and God laughed at me and said, "Oh no honey, actually, you really don't!" And he continues to show me just that, in real life.
Over this year, I've been hurt. I've been strong. I've made mistakes. I've been weak. I've failed. I've grown. I've leaned on God. I've broken a heart. I've cried on my friend's shoulders. I've gotten my heart broken. I've doubted God's presence in my life. I've watched my friends stand by me. I've learned that you don't have to have it all together. And I've desperately wished I had it altogether. I've learned that I'm often wrong. I've learned that I can make things worse than they are and more complicated, too. I've learned that some things are - in fact - simple.
This isn't a story about how I've come through this year with flying colors and my life's so much better now that it's in retrospect. If that's the story you're looking for, this isn't it. I can't give that story to you, or even myself. I'm still in the trenches. I could tell you that this is where He wants me and it will all be okay, but I really don't feel that most days. I'd much rather sit and cry about the lack of direction in my life. But believe me - I work hard daily to move forward. Time. It just takes time.
I'm not going to make any declarations about the upcoming year, or tell you that I just know it's going to get so much better soon. I don't know a thing about tomorrow, remember?! But I'll tell you I am grateful for this year. I don't like it, not one bit. I wish a lot of things turned out differently, but I'm grateful. I'm not sad about today - I'm not eating a carton of ice cream or wallowing in self-pity. And I don't think that it's awful that I'm remembering a bad day. Trust me, I remember all the really great days too! Today's been a good day for me. Today's just another day - another part of this journey. So I'll be grateful for its lessons.
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P.S. I picked up five books at the bookstore tonight. Count that F-I-V-E!
Here's my list:
1) Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge - I hear it's a must read for both men and women!
2) Lowcountry Summer, Dorthea Benton Frank - the other day I posted a quote {the one about being young, having all these questions and not wanting to wait to figure it all out} from the beginning of this book. It's Southern lit. My favorite!
3) the Season of Second Chances, by Diane Meier - a story about "the renovation of a house and life" and the writer's the president of a NYC marketing firm.
4) When Life's Not Working, by Bob Merrit - y'all I swear my life's not in complete shambles. Ha! I'm just taking every opportunity I can to learn!
5) One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp - a dare to live fully right where you are, leaving fear and control behind for God. I'm thinking this will be my first read!
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Shortest blog post, just turned into the longest? Yes! Funny story! Ready... set... go!
Talking to my mother tonight, I very seriously said, "Mom, I spent an un-Godly amount of money at BOOKS AND NOBLE tonight!" Anddd thennnn, we spent 10 minutes laughing.
Okay, goodnight! :)
1 comments:
Reading 1000 Gifts right now and will soon have a great post on it. Let me know when you start reading and we can talk about it. Its a very talk-needed book and i'm doing with my mentor. I'd love to share what we're learning and hear your thoughts when you get there. We are on chapter 4. Glad youve come so far in a year. Its amazing how quickly some things change and how long it takes other things to change. Take care, Leigh!
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