If I Tell You

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I live my life. Messy. Hectic. Introspectively. By the seat of my pants. With doubts. And a long list of "mistakes" added into the mix. I've got an insecurity, so I look for people who are... enough. And when I don't find those traits that are "enough" in my eyes, criticism sneaks in. And my view is skewed. I'm still working on fixing it, or trying to figure out how to fix it. And sometimes that's just real hard.

If I were to tell you that (with my quest for a fun, wild, adventurous life) I still love me some Jesus and I'm working on knowing him and learning from him and becoming more like Him everyday, will you just take my word for it? Even if my ways look different than yours? Even if I stumble along the way? And if I were to tell you that I'm tired of not feeling Christian enough, would you trust that I believe in Him wholeheartedly? That I rely on Him to get me through, well, everything?

For me, it's a constant quest for balance between self-discipline, and genuinely accepting God's unfailing love and bountiful grace. I've wrestled with it. And I've ignored it. At the moment, I just want to live without having to define what I am.

I blame society. As humans, I believe we put God's love, grace, acceptance and general outlook on who we are as people, as flawed humans- into a box. A really small, plain brown cardboard box.

I don't want to live a life that's unpleasing to God. And I believe in upholding my morals, even if they're a little more lenient that yours, whoever you may be. I feel that way genuinely and completely! But, you see... I don't want to believe that because society tells me that's the way I should live my life. Or out of real fear that I'll find myself a day late and a dollar short of God's salvation. I want to live my life for Him because He is loving and compassionate and absolutely wonderful.

My view is so skewed.


And I've got to be honest, its a good bit frustrating.
I just want to believe in Him, because that's what He has Called me to do.

That's it. It's that simple for me.

But culture clouds that simplicity. Like when I say, I just want a love story that could be made into a movie. That's it. Nothing special, just a love awesome enough to be in a movie! Simple. Oh! But we all know, it's not that simple because of all the other factors that exist in life. It's a tangled web we weave.

He knit me. Just I am. He knew that these would be my struggles. He knew the kind of life I would lead. He knows the life I lead. And he knows what overflows out of my heart! I'm imperfect. I'm awful sometimes. But my love for the people He created remains and grows with each day that I see Him in my life. And I see Him often. He has a way of bringing me to a place, where I have more of a grasp about the kind of life He desires for me to lead...
When I'm boastful, He reminds me to be humble.

When I'm careless with my tender heart, He reminds me of His care for me. And to care for my heart, too!

When I'm lost and wandering in the wilderness of life, He brings me peace that things will work out in His perfect timing.

When I care more about security, He reminds me that I have all that I need. And even things that I want.

When I struggle to forgive and bestow grace on my fellow human, He reminds me to step back and try hard... and harder... and harder. And even when I feel defeated, He knows what's in my heart.

When I want to fall in love, the kind that you read about it books and watch in movies, so that I fulfill some kind of void in my life, He reminds me that I've got to love Him first! And I've got to figure out myself and where I'm headed, second.

And that before, or in the middle of, or after I see Him, rely on Him, study Him and/or worship Him... I may say things that hurt or aren't always fair. I may go to the bar and have a drink... or three. I may be awful sometimes. I may make a mistake or dozens. I may fall short in my own eyes, or in yours. I may cuss for emphasis, or out of anger.


I'm glad that it's You who sees me completely. I'm elated that You're the one judging!

Not me....

Not anyone else....