Last night, I wrote about my breakdown and recognizing what I can control. I can control my patience, it's a virtue. And thinking about it, it takes practice. Over and over and over again. So, what am I going to do? I'm going to practice patience. But I'm not going to sit around and wait. I think there's a difference. A biiiiiiig difference. I'm going to keep moving forward - making necessary decisions and a commitment to those decisions. But until they happen?
I'm not sitting around and waiting, which is what I was doing before last night without even realizing it. I'm going to continue my job search, and I'll be patient until the right job comes along. I'm not going to wait for the scale to give me some lower numbers, but I'm going to cut out french fries, bread and desserts. I'm going to work out harder and more frequently. I'm going to do what I say I want to do. I won't wait to start planning, cooking dinner and having dinner parties, or working on fun projects, or learning how to sew a quilt with my college
t-shirts or updating my blog until another time. I'm going to start now, today. And one day - when I'm doing my share of the work, when I've done what it takes - I'll see the progress. This life that's good, will be amazing once again. But it takes patience, first! I'm not usually patient. But I can be, it's in me. So I'll start there. I usually do a good job of understanding and compartmentalizing my feelings, but I continue to hold onto them...
In fact, in the midst of screaming and crying on my mother's shoulder last night I already knew the "realizations" she and I discussed through my bumbling tears. I knew I'd been questioning a season of depression. I knew I'd been waiting on a fairytale. I knew I hadn't gotten life figured out in my allotted two months. I knew I'd focused on what I didn't have, rather than what I do. I knew I hadn't grieved my past relationship. I knew I struggled with the abrupt, unprepared ending to "the best four years" of my life. And who's to say when the best four years of my life will be anyhow? I knew I needed a breakdown to find clarity. Those tears? They'd been there all along. Struggles don't just go away. I knew that too. I'm just more certain now. I just couldn't let tears flow without completely falling apart. And allowing myself to fall apart didn't feel like an option for me. Not when everything else felt broken. And then, one thing set me over the edge: a graduation present and a sweet note from my ex-boyfriend's mother with whom I've built repect and a relationship, without even noticing its significance until the last several months. And hours and hours later I'm still feeling vulnerable - as in - the need to cry everytime I think about all the things I'm struggling with, but feeling vulnerable isn't the point. I'm feeling and acting and that's the point. This isn't my pity party. This is me admitting that I'm struggling with real life and I'm doing something about it. This is me knowing that you might be struggling too. This is me realizing that once I take off these rose-colored glasses and realize that everyone's flawed like me, and I'm flawed like everyone else that I'll be able to give a little more grace to others and myself. I'm telling you this, because I'm sure you need a little more grace and someone needs you to give them a little more grace too. There are still more tears to fall before I'm able to pick up the pieces, but my hard shell's been broken and there's hope in healing what needs fixing. There's clarity.
So, I'll focus on little victories. I'll give myself time. I'll give life a chance to turn itself around. I'll take time to grow as an individual. I'll take some time to figure out if I love someone deeply or truly fell in love. I'll accept that it's perfectly okay not to know what I want or what's just right for me. I'll admit my mistakes. I'll take what I know now and I'll make things better for later. I'll notice the good. I'll tell myself he just wasn't there, instead of believing it's some sign that needs interpreting. I'll keep questioning but I'll accept things as they are, too. I'll do the things I've made up my mind to do. I'll attempt to reconcile some relationships. I'll create new friendships. I'll try to have more patience with my parents. I'll work on letting go. I'll find new dreams. I'll make new plans. I'll eat more fruits and vegetables. I'll eat less junk. I'll pray more often. I'll spend more nights laughing on my parents deck with friends. I'll decide if I'm going to go, or not go. I'll stand up for myself and what I believe. I'll trust God more thoroughly. I'll work out a little harder, a little longer and a little more often. I'll make every step necessary to not settle. God promises He gives good things to those who are patient. And so, I'll be patient.
Some wise someone once said, "You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust the sails."
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