For now

After two decades and one year of church activities, youth groups, choir practices, and mission trips, I have been wired to believing that in order to change the world, I need to sell all my possessions and move to Africa. It doesn’t matter where in Africa, because all of Africa is just one giant place and one giant pit of poverty."  - Preston

You see, I'd love to move to a third world country, sell my things and spend weeks, months or even years serving the least of these. And if someday God works up the courage in me to make that happen - to be that person who feels as though I'm capable of doing that then... I'd go! And I'd do. And that's the kind of life I'd build. I've got no doubt about that at all. But it's also kind of important for me to tell you that if I did that, the student debt hanging over my head would crash down on me, crush me and I'd die - unable to help anyone, including myself. I'll tell you, too, that I've got even more excuses. You don't want to hear them, I'm sure. And all this may sound awful and selfish to you, and well, you'd be correct. I'm awful and selfish sometimes. I've said that on this blog before. I'll say it many times more, because it's true. But don't you dare believe for a milli-second that I wouldn't LOVE to be the "type of person" who can/would leave my life to go on an adventure helping others. I'd love it. I'm just too "practical" and unsure. And the only time I've ever been out of this country is on a cruise. And I don't like that, not one bit. Isn't that sad? In fact, I absolutely cringed as I typed those words. I've always wanted to do missions in Mexico, Haiti, or some other country. I've also wanted to travel to Italy on pleasure. But there were always reasons, excuses and/or downright rationalizations on why I haven't jumped on a plane to fly across the pond. (Side note: I've been to a lot of places like Charlotte, Charleston, Tennessee, Washington, D.C., Chicago, Savannah ,GA. - and so many more places, many of them were mission trips)

But you know what?

I think it's okay for me to not want to, or feel called to change the whole wide world one continent at a time.

To be honest, I'm just trying to be kind to the girl who keeps messing up the company business cards, my over-protective mother, and the man who waves at me on the street, who could probably use my smile more than the "I'm creeped out" look on my face. I'm trying to forgive people and myself - because we can all use a little more forgiveness. And I'm just trying to work up the courage to visit my estranged (for absolutely-no-good-reason) step-grandfather before he looses his battle with lung cancer, the same disease that took my beloved grandmother the summer after my freshmen year of college. Let me tell you, that was a difficult year in my life. I'm also trying to work up the courage to ask my "boss" at my internship if this is still a summer internship, or a full-time gig. Because I have no idea. None. And because summer's over, dude. And just today, 6 more projects were placed on my desk. And everyone, even company employees, keep asking me if I'm an intern or an employee.  Oh, and the small town newspaper writer/editor, one-man-show asked me the "internship/job question" in the *Pizza/BBQ* joint downtown, while I was at lunch with a co-worker on Monday. Awkward moment #54936457 in my life. Plus, you know, I've got to do something about that student debt I've acquired.

And I know... I know that I'd learn great, big lessons in the midst of a broken, poverty-stricken third world country! My heart would break for people. I'd be kinder, more generous and more proactive to change the world's problems. I'd be a part of that change. But there's A LOT for me to experience in this first world. There's a lot of people I can help here. Right here! A lot of good I can do for others! I can accomplish great things by serving and loving the people around me. I can listen to them, encourage them and let them know that worry and fear are crippling. I know, I've been there. And that God promises bigger and better things for all of us. So, if I'm going to start fresh with patience, love, seeing the good in my life, working myself out of this difficult period, and becoming better for those whose lives my own come in contact with - I'll start by being kind to those around me. And I'll let others go to Africa without me, at least for now.