started out for God-knows-where, guess I'll know when I get there

For me to really, truly hear Him I know I need to be still and listen. Truth is, I'm really not quiet when I struggle. Those who know me best can attest to this. I fight, kick, fuss and try really hard to change things on my own. I'm a fixer by nature. But here's the thing: I'm not exactly getting anywhere, like at all, with this method. 

• I want Him to bare the burdens of my heart and make me feel loved unconditionally when life is hard. Because it's hard. Even some of the greatest stuff in life isn't easy.
• I want Him to bare the weight of whatever looming, complicated and unresolved stuff is in my life.
• I want Him to be a light unto my path. I want Him to replace worry and defeat with trust and grace!

And I can feel it! This painfully slow surrender to Him and His ways. This trial and error is teaching me! 

First, let me confess: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TRUST HIM. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO  HAND IT OVER! 

But I'm trying. 

........................................................................................

Last week, I told someone my sob story. The one about how none of my "life plans" have worked out at the ripe old age of 22 years old. Note the sarcasm. 

The phone went silent...

"You haven't said anything. This is tough. Doesn't this sound like a bad story to you," I questioned.

I was searching for sympathy. Begging for it, really. Someone to validate that the end of my collegiate career, the break-up, moving home and job searching woes are THE WORST THINGS EVER!! 

I have an idea in my head that these trials are based upon what I do, or don't, deserve. And truth be told, I have felt that I deserved much and was given very little. Imagine the disappointment. 

And then, the voice on the other end of the line cut in: "It sounds to me that there might be another perspective. It all depends on how you are looking at the situation you're in. Your break-up and all the other stuff might be the best thing for you. Things might be working out perfectly."

.........................................................................................

This past weekend I started a "fighting, fussing, trying to change things on my own" temper-tantrum! I'm such an adult. Ha! But really I was hurt, upset and I wanted a certain situation to be handled right then and there. I'd decided enough was enough. It's now or never. Clearly, I'm the least patient person on this planet! Clearly. 

I'm still learning to acknowledge His teaching moments. I'm learning to be still and listen. 

It's like I'd totally forgotten that phone conversation I had a few days earlier. But I'm starting to remember it and chew on it again. Admitting my faults and weaknesses is hard. 


But it's teaching me. 


I don't know what, but I guess I'll know when I get there... 

²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. ²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. - Romans 8:26-30

Blog title: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers