While I've slacked off a bit lately, I've done quite a bit of reading the last several months. Lately I've read a few posts regarding seeking out counsel. I've chastised others for their actions and turned around and made my own mistakes. You could use the word hypocrite. Really, truly, I no longer find that word offensive. I call it normal. It just means I'm human. Grace! Anyway, we all mess up. I've messed up a lot. I've learned a lot. I've evolved through life's lessons. I've found strength when I thought I was plain out of it. I've been wrong. I've wanted so many answers to all of my questions.
When will I find a job? What will it be? Where will it be? Why have this and that not worked out for me? Who will I marry? How long will I live at home with my parents? Am I here, in this place, because something bad is going to happen? Have I messed him up? Will I ever find someone who is as good to me as he was? Is it too far beyond repair? Do I really have an obsessive personality? Why wasn't I more kind? What's it really mean to fall in love? When will I get my own place? When will things start falling into place, if there's ever such a thing? What happens next? When will they call? Will they call for an interview? Do I really have a shot at this job? Is God leading me somewhere and I'm missing ALL His signs? Am I looking in all the wrong places? Who are my true friends? Are my friendships as stable as I believe they are? When will I find "community" again? Am I capable? Do I have what it takes? Is this what growing up is really like? Am I "on track" with doing this whole life thing? Have I truly forgiven him the way I feel like I have? When will I forgive myself? Is love, true love, really as comfortable as they all say? What will my career look like in 5 years? What will my whole life look like in 10 years? What can I do better? It is all going to be okay? Will I ever feel free? Will I do what I love? Will I ever see myself as enough? Why is it that I'm always looking for more? Why always searching? When will what is be enough? When will I be on my own again and will that make me happy? Miserable? Will it be what I've wanted?
The people whom I respect the most are the one's who have given me the least formal advice, per se. When they didn't know the answer to my questions they said, "I don't know, Leigh, that's tough. You're capable of figuring it all out in time." They say they don't know the answer, but they'll research it. They haven't said HOW to navigate situations. They tell you the truth. They tell you they're still figuring out the questions to the answers, too. They tell you to practice raw grace, always. They put aside whatever role they play in your life and tell you how they really feel about the situation you're in because they want the best for you. There is often no formula to combat a lot of things in life - other than thru sheer will to do so. I really, truly believe that if there's a will, there's a way. There's a quote circulating Pinterest that says: Life is relationships, the rest are just details. It's true.
As I drove home from my college town on Monday afternoon, some things hit me.
One was how grateful I am for friendships. The girls who I tell that I love them (and them me) as often as I tell my own parents. For those that have loved me through this year and a half of my life, and in spite of me not putting my best self forward.
Another was that for the first time since I have moved home, I actually wanted to get home after a weekend away. The familiarity of cooking and eating dinner with my parents, unpacking and preparing for the work week, seeing the one-and-only Flip Flop made a whole lot more sense than hanging around my own stomping grounds. Not to say that I wouldn't in a heartbeat ;)
The last was how far I've come from where I've been. My life and my emotions are leveling. I'm adjusting to whatever comes. Many, many times - even during the roughest days - I've told myself over and over: "This is good, too!" This life has it's joys and priceless moments. These days make me thankful.
Finding the answers through living the questions.
I can honestly tell you this: While I've been through a few difficult trials in my life I have never, no, not once, felt so alone and in such a difficult place as I have the last 8 months of my life. While my emotions have been chaotic, I have found the strength to pull myself back up! For that's what makes me most grateful. With each utterance of the phrases, "This is good too." Or "It will all make sense one day!" Or "Patience, Leigh, just be patient." Or "Just trust Him, Leigh, He's not punishing you," I am working my way to an understanding of life's joys when I trust His plan, no matter what it holds. Don't let those questions worry you, live them.
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