On love, monsters, the things I don't know and the few things I do

I read Lauren's Thoughts On Getting Used To Marriage - And Confessions On Not Seeing God and I cried. Well, as much as you can cry sitting in a cubical right next to your co-workers. If I were sobbing it would be really, really awkward.  Ya know? As I re-tweeted it I wondered if my Twitter followers would question why I have "thoughts on getting used to marriage" when I'm about as single as single gets these days! 


Lauren's blog post is about us single girls, too. Any of us, actually, who are praying with all our might that we're doing the right things, taking the right roads - regardless of whether were single, engaged or married. We have something, but want something else. And when we get that something else, we'll want what we had. Or we'll just want more and more and more...


Discontentment is a monster. 


The lyrics "Grass ain't always greener on the other side..." comes to mind. Or DMB's "What I want is what I've not got and what I need is all around me..." And that country song that goes a little like: " You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast..."


Lauren finally wrote everything I've needed to know before I started out on this unforeseen journey:  "Really, really hard doesn't mean really, really bad."  


Better late then never.


When it all comes down to it, I don't really know how to be a grown up! This whole thing is pretty new. I can't quite find a way to look perfectly put-together and make it to work right-on-time just yet. For the life of me, I can't understand why I'm jealous of girls who are picking up their husband's stinky, dirty laundry off their bedroom floor, again, when I'm not ready. I don't know how far I'll go to justify my pride, but from experience I'm sure it's pretty dog-gone far! I don't know when I'll stop longing and dreaming of something else, anything other than what's right in front of me... 


I don't know when my "ancy" heart will calm itself again. I don't know why I long for a husband, children, four dogs and two fish because just typing it out exhausts me! Nap time! Oh wait, we're not in Kansas anymore. I don't know how to create a budget  or judge how much money I need to make to live comfortably. I don't know half of Emily Post's etiquette. Oops! And I don't know why I get jealous, lonely, selfish, worried, stressed out, discontent and bitter. But most of all, I don't know why I ever doubt His plan. 


If I must boast, I'll boast in my weakness. - 2 Corinthians 11:30


I don't have it together, I confess. But I do know that my perspective has changed, for the best. When I'm struggling, it's not about anyone else but Him and me. That's all. I do know that if you haven't read words that touched your heart and brought you to tears, you haven't truly lived. If you haven't been in a really dark place you can't appreciate the beauty of life, love and faith! I'm much happier when I'm not so selfish. Love is beautiful, but so broken, too. Joy is a choice. Vulnerability is a strength. I HAVE SO MUCH. 


I just don't know why I ever wonder if He's around.