As I drove down the historic oak tree-lined streets of that Southern, richly historic city of Mobile, Ala. yesterday, I felt a sense of wonder and possibility mixed with familiarity of all the time I have spent visiting there throughout my life. My mind wondered how many hours I could spend exploring areas of this new city and its surrounding areas, if the opportunity presents itself in the coming weeks for me to accept a job offer and thus a life of my very own.
Would I meet new friends at the Chamber of Commerce's Young Professionals events? Where would I find my next church home? How often does the Alabama Alumni Chapter meet? Would I find new friends there, too? What would my first experience at the Spot of Tea be like? Why in the world can I not stay for an upcoming Mardi Gras parade they're setting up for today? And exactly how many things could I find to experience in this town? A lot, I answered. New restaurants, the beach 30 minutes away, Dauphin Island, historic homes, concerts, Mardi Gras parades, outlet malls across the bay, not to mention all... that... seafood! "So many opportunities," I thought to myself again.
Before I even realized it, I was scouting out places to live not too far from downtown in my attempt to pass the time before my first interview of the day. My heartbeat sped faster and faster in awe at the possibility of a new adventure - a place to call my own, somewhere for me to make a mark on it and it on me - and somehow the weight of the past several months lifted. Relief, excitement, contentment and the enormous reality of it all hit me. Y'all, I wish for this more than I can remember wishing for anything else. Ever.
My feelings were very similar to what I felt when my parents and I drove into Tuscaloosa nearly five years ago. I still marvel at everything I love about that college town! I'm still amazed by the beautiful campus, the President's mansion, the history and tradition, my experiences there and the "good luck" lady bug that landed on my arm down at the Riverwalk (where I have often found myself walking and talking with my closest friends) when I decided the Capstone was where I'd spend the next four years.
I love adventures and imagining possibilities. These moments in Mobile were no different. My heart really wants something bold, new and my own.
On the other hand, this may not be my story! It's important for me to realize that's possible. I may get my hopes up, only to be let down. Maybe this isn't where God wants me. But for now, I'll hope it's an option. I'll wear my heart on my sleeve, for the first time in a very long time. Even if I'm disappointed, I'll know my heart was in it completely! I would like to believe that swallowing the realization that this may not be my story would become easier, yet it's still a really, really hard thing to do.
More questions arise in my mind. If these opportunities were not to work out, would I give up my search and ask to continue where I am right now? Would that be what He wants me to do? But what about what I want? Will these experiences feed into the lie that I am not quite enough? Where do I go from here? When will I just be happy, excited, motivated again? Where's my life headed?
I want so badly to trust His plan. But I want what I want to be His plan. There, I said it! I don't know any other way to put it out there. Might as well be honest about it.
For several years now, this blog has been a place for me to work things out that are in my heart and on my mind. I write here for practice, most often I write here to make sense of - well - anything and everything. I'm overwhelmed by those who have said they've been 'here' too. I am thankful for those who have prayed for me and my job search. Gratefulness doesn't describe my feeling when I'm told to "keep writing" and I'll find my way through these trials in my life.
I am looking forward to good news! I am praying hard for good news! Life's been quite the opposite from what I've expected lately. But I've promised to be honest and vulnerable. Even when it's not pretty. I've learned that our emotions should be trusted and we should also be aware of our thoughts and actions based on our emotions. This life is beautiful, always beautiful. There are many, many moments along the way that remind us we should never forget those glimpses of wonder, contentment, excitement, joy, and exciting possible realities.
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